Getting ready for a new world-a new me

On checking my emails I got many b-day wishes.  So nice of them to take the time.  Calmest most peace filled b-day ever.  And of these I want more.  As many as possible.  Feels so weird not to feel pressured to give and do for my family.  They always pressured me to feel guilty.  That energy is so toxic.  I can NOW release all toxins in my life. 

I've been wearing my back brace everyday and it makes a vast difference in my feeling good.  Looks terrible under my clothes but it doesn't wrinkle and snag things.  I don't feel nauseated and limp or listless.  I actually feel good sometimes.  I have more energy to enjoy living.  Having no energy is the pits.  No quality of life. 

I've never in my life been this free.  Makes me woozy.  I have dvds overdue and due today.  Hurray!!  Still feeling good.  SClara no longer has telephone service so I didn't know.  Thank goodness I checked all of them.  SV is due today too.  I can do that tonite.  County can wait.  Printed out list at sr.s.

Been watching dvds I want and not watching is a luxury.  I've always been so manic about making everything A JOB  to avoid feeling FAMILY guilt.

That's a huge hit.  Right on, Right on.  I can release that learned behavior to return to the family.   I reject that enslaving limit.  Return to sender.  Address unknown. 

Tomas' called ystday about lunch/brunch w/curtis.  He called this am to say not this week.  Which is better for me.  I signed up for lunch and I want to eat with company.  It feels just right to visit with strangers and have a light meal.  I love it for now.  Who knows later??  TM wanted me to ditch sr lunch.  Old Susan would have busted my buns to do what everyone else wanted.  Busted my buns.  That's exactly what happened 1972.  And I wasn't aware.  And in 2001.  I ripped up all the scar tissue in my body to remodel my musculature.  Kaiser told me I was depressed from menopause and mom's death.  They were so wrong.  I am addressing the real issues.  Awesome.

New behaviors for a new life.

Woohoo!!  I'm at the library and I returned the dvds and paid online and am feeling fairly successful.  Only fairly cause I know where the rings are going.  In the trash when I wash and dry my hands the towel spirits them away.  And I'm okay with it.  At least now I know. 

I still have to go to SV to return (no renewals) and I have all the time in the world 'til 8pm.  Big Bang Theory new episode tonite. 

This sense of excitement is so new and strange.  I'll have to adjust and adapt to functioning in this state. 

Best Thnxgvng Ever-11*24*11*MIRACLE

I'm amazed... I'm sitting in the Cupertino library 'cause the SrCtr and Santa Clara lib. are closed.  Prop J strikes again.  Two days b4 Toma's called asking if I wanted to go to Jamie and Tom's.  It was perfect.  He wanted to go afternoon, 2:30.  For once in my life I had a leisurely time getting ready.

I used to stress about not enough time to get something to take, what to wear, etc.  So conditioned to just stressing out.  Family tradition.  Get there at 8 to help cook.  Watch my sisters stroll in whenever. Feeling pressured is now a totally internal dialogue.  Hearing the committee in my head, all the criticism I grew up with backed up by intermittent abuse.  I think intermittent abuse is the most effective.  The not knowing when hell was about to break loose caused a constant state of anxiety.  (Wow!! Didn't know that's where the free floating anxiety comes from.)  Couldn't show it because that would open the floodgates.  So I learned to mask my internal life.  Secret Agent.  Secret Asian.

Nobody knows what's going on in me because I don't know.  My scariest adventure is looking within.  I've come to realize and accept (painfully) that my parents singled me out as the slave-scapegoat.  That's why dad wouldn't let me be adopted by rich people.  1) I couldn't be allowed to live a better life than theirs. 2) I was the servant-family dog.  Beat the dog so you don't punch the boss. I got scraps my entire life.  We moved to California to reduce the interference from the relatives.  So I lost all the people who loved me and treated me nicely.

My friends, the ones I still talk to, treat me well and with respect.  People I thought of as friends, when I considered their treatment of me, I had to accept I was just an unpaid servant.  Just like my family.  For the last ten years I've foolishly waited for them to wake up and realize how wonderful I am.  Just another bad habit I can break.

I've yet to have a loving relationship.  I guess it starts with me.

Who do I want in my life?  I must stay present.

insanity tautologies

All dictators are insane.  Not one has been able to attain immortality by killing others and yet they are compelled, obsessed with destroying others.  The more they kill and destroy the greater their chance of being deposed and destroyed.  Therefore they must be insane.

All those who allow and/or follow a dictator are insane.  No dictator has ever succeeded in creating heaven as promised, only a slow and prolonged hell that may feel like forever. 

Making myself sick will not heal a single person.  It may prolong their life temporarily but it cannot heal them.  Sacrificing my health is unhealthy.

Making myself poor will not make anyone richer.  Wealth is within.  The richest man is he who has the fewest needs.

There is a ceiling on how much satisfaction can be gained by having money.  Earning money can become an accomplishment addiction.  All the money in the world cannot buy immortality.  It demonstrates the law of diminishing returns. 

Things will always remain the same.  If this were true we'd still be living in actual caves.  Some people live in virtual caves in their heads. 

Happy Thanksgiving/Anniversary-11/22-24

Next week marks my one year anniversary.

I'm physically and emotionally better this year.  Well, they're one and the same aren't they.  And I am immensely grateful.  I think gratitude is one of my skills.  I'm always very touched by kindness.  And strangers are always kind.  It's family I have problems with.

Reading Psych Today, Asperger's Diary I found when googling my account, I realized my lack of interest and my sensitivity to teasing is aspy related.  (I was always told I was weird and stupid.  No common sense.  And I learned to take it as a compliment when I thought about common sense.  I never told them though.  I'd have been punished.)  I consider teasing the lowest form of what passes for humor in most people.  Nothing clever or funny about it that I can see.  And aspies just see things from a different angle.  We require intelligence to survive in the mob.  We learn to moderate our behaviors to fit in.  I don't want to fit in.  Most people below the surface are mean lizard brains fighting for survival way beyond the satisfying of their basic needs.  The keeping up and surpassing the Jones' is dictated by the lizard brains.  The need to acquire based on the fear of lack.  The only thing mankind doesn't lack is fear.  We have an universe of fear and can fabricate fear on demand.  Our survival and success requires a shift from fear to compassion.  Feeling with as in the bible.  Brother's keeper.  Judge not.  If mankind cannot expand his mind and heart to demand equality and fairness for all, man is doomed to a cycle of invention and destruction.  Honor thy mother and father doesn't say love them.  Can you find something to respect in them?  Remember, you share DNA.

Fear is used to market products.  Forces us to watch programs that feed us more fear.  Herbert's Dune "Fear is the mindkiller."  Babies come into the world with two fears:  Loud noises and falling.  Parents instill (install) survival fears. 

I'm ready to move beyond just surviving.

OUCH!!!!!!!-7

Last week while bicycling at Senior Center the TV was running a cable funniest video program.  I happened to glance up from my book on the stationary bike and they recorded on a mobile phone an elderly man falling on the up escalator and like a turtle on his back he was stuck. Just like what happened to dad in reno 1998. The caption read "Old people can sleep anywhere".  Considering that dad's fractured spine lead to his death a year later I couldn't find it in the least funny.  (It makes me sick to my stomach  to think about it and I cry to release the pain and anguish.)
I avoided thinking about it and have yet to talk to anyone about it.  I had lunch w/Tomas' last Fri. and cried all morning long but I couldn't talk.  I've done my best to forget it but my body keeps me honest.  I realized and accepted that the only reason (MY RAISON DE'ETRE) I wasn't allowed to be adopted was to be the servant.  Indeed, I've been conditioned to serve and suffer.  Suffering has been my only friend.  Smoking made the suffering tolerable.  I can now be an ex-smoker because I don't have to suffer any more.  As much pain as I feel now is still less than what it was during the experience.  I've been waking to memories of past abuse.  The lack of my memories was a protection.  A firewall keeping the essence of Susan pure.

It's 57* and I'm sweating.  My back has been so unstable.  I've been crying at least once a day since last Friday.  I have an appointment at Kaiser today at 2.  That's new.  Asking for help.

I joined a group at Seniors.  First section was on transitions, this 10 sessions relates to depression and stress of the holidays.  I was 10 minutes late monday.  Hooray for ME!!!  I didn't even know: I was relaxed.  New behaviors for a new, better, happier life.

  

WHEW!!!

My stomach and back are reacting to venting my anger at the ridicule and humiliation suffered pretty much all my life from my "family."  The past is finally done.  I'm purging all the chemical memories from my body. 

As the nicotine leaves my body I'm healthier physically, emotionally, and therefore mentally.  I just spent a very uncomfortable weekend.  I couldn't imagine what I'd done to trigger the pain.  I feel I've been kicked and beaten in my stomach and lower back and hips.  Louise Hay-lack of family support.

I took a Nabumentone 500mg last nite to be able to sleep.  So today I was so tired.  I chose to go to my Transitions mtg.  I gathered the avocados from the yard and took two buckets-3 days worth.  This year the tree is producing a bucket a day.  Half in the am, half in the pm.

I'm becoming the ME I want to be.

UPDATE 8*19*11-Life is in the details.

I just realized update is like stardate*** being a huge sci-fi-fan.  So... Nice to know I can access this blog via Google.  Reassuring.  My ankles are swollen like little trees.  Due to the constricted circulation in my waist and lower back.  Funny how my body parts take turns hurting and healing.  That's what the pain is all about.  Drawing attention to the area like dominoes in series.  The muscles can only be unlocked in series which makes sense.  No point in having them come unglued like a rag doll. 

I'm probably healthier tissue wise than I've ever been in my life before.  For the first time I don't have nicotine in my system.  (And  I totally distracted myself just now...learned if you depress ctrl and hit i everything is italicized.  Hit ctrl and b and everything is bold.  Why we need that I don't know.)  And I have complete control over my diet for the first time in my life.  I can have anything and everything I  Want.  For the first time in my LIFE.  So life is good and getting better.

Been working out in the yard.  The letter from the city 7/14/11 was a scary motivator.  So I go out either early in the am or late in the pm when it's cool enough for me.  6am on a hot day, 7 maybe on an overcast day.  Weather this year has been grreat!  Cooler than usual.  I actually like yardwork. 

Been finding bargains at the $tores and grocerie$.   Thank you God.  Broke my medium square corning lid and found one at $aver$.  I have so many trivial good ideas to improve life.  And life is in the details.

isolation and introspection

Working out in the yard this morning  I realized I am delusional in thinking I can take care of everything  myself.  I can't.  It's like Footprints.  I've always been supported by spirit.  My delusion is in thinking that support is gone.  My delusion is believing I can isolate myself from spirit.  Spirit will supply whatever I desire.  I need to be more careful in my desires.

Only by closing out the world can I determine what and who I am not as a reflection or adjunct of someone else- My core beliefs and feelings uninfluenced by any outside energy. 

All I know today is I made my lunch (taking care of me), it was imperative I blog today.  I actually thought today was Sunday.  I was excited to feel well after yardwork/hardwork. 

Then the panic of my check engine light.  I've never had one before.  Instead of feeling relief for the warning I felt fear.  The old Me would have noticed, made plans.

No wonder my parents hated and mistrusted me.  I never used to experience that panic.  Only living with them, giving them my energy to keep them alive until I almost died, allowed me to experience what they chose to live with everyday.  And it is learned behavior.  It can be unlearned.  Fear and panic are only beneficial in learning situations.  If there is no benefit the feelings are useless.

The shared experience and cameraderie of feelings bond people together.  Emotions (energy in motion) are superglue.  Social functions as events and processes seal humankind into a lump of energy.  Strong emotions bond experiences and reactions together in an effort to protect us as a form of evolutionary survival skills.  So shared experiences at festivals, sporting events, bars satisfy the need for belonging and feeling part of something bigger.

Only individuals breaking out of the morass can change the direction and intention of the creative energy.  True creativity is lonely and isolated; the only conditions change can occur in are perceived as negative.  And it's only perception.  How sad and painful is it really?  Only as sad and painful as the energy invested in the perception.  Truly, in Buddhism the pain comes from fighting the reality and holding on to the illusion.  The pain is very real to call our attention to what needs changing.

When one is in love everything good is better and everything bad is more tolerable.  Why?  Because emotional energy is stronger than drugs, torture, you name it.  Love is the feeling of connectedness lacking in the everyday world.  Hitler, Jim Jones used that feeling of belonging, longing to be a part of something bigger.  We already are that in God.

Wake up Little Susie

I've wondered how men become dogs.  They are raised by bitches.  Sounds cold but it's true.  The world will become a better place when children are raised as human beings.  Parents are ill equipped and ignorant.  For the first time in history the ability to raise conscious, caring, stable, capable humans is possible.

How do we get there from here?  According to Dr Phil; acknowledge where we're starting from, map out the route and go.  I've worked very diligently and consistently on myself and for others.  Whenever a new experience comes up I've learned to think and act responsibly.  Case in point, being yelled at by Josie and realizing and admitting she's puposefully tried to humiliate me.  Yelling is a manipulative tool.  My trained response has been to blame myself for not seeing it coming.  Not being prepared for life.  What my mom punished me for to "toughen me up".  Bunch of bulls**t.  So she added insult and injury to injury. Conditioned me to roll-over and play dead.  I'm supposed to cower, apologize and do and be whatever they want.

I have to remember that if it isn't within me, it's hard to recognize in others.  I keep getting fooled.  I will write it a hundred or a thousand times to remember.  That's what it takes to reprogram.  When confused by other people's behavior it's appropriate and necessary to consider their actions and hold them responsible.  The only way my life will improve is for me to improve myself.

I believe the only way children can be raised is by a village.  The checks and balances of a multitude of people raising children in concert.  So, we need human rights guidelines on raising caring, stable, responsible people.  A foster system that fosters successful human beings.        

BEST 4TH EVER!!

My ability has been hampered by lack of st(ability).  The peace, calm and continuity so important to the healthy development of all living things was lacking in my life.  I'm creating that now.  I mixed up some chili, had dessert, cooked some potatoes.  Said goodbye to Josie.  She's said and done weird things before and I've overlooked them.  For $40 and criticizing her perfect Sam she became vitriolic and unstable. 

She has My frosted mirror in the family room, My clock radio in the kitchen and she accused me of screaming at her in public and embarrassing her on purpose.  She wanted to go to the $tore San Carlos and I'd already been twice that week.  When she broke my car door handle getting out I was seriously concerned she wouldn't be able to exit the car.  She insisted she wasn't fooling around and did nothing to the handle.  That comment came at me out of the blue.  Then she denied it was broken and insisted she had nothing to do with it, it must have been broken before.  She kept insisting while trying to open the door. I went around and opened it from the outside.    She said if it was her fault to drive to a garage to fix it.  (Saturday at 6pm driving aimlessly looking for an open repair shop is one of my definitions of hell.)  I told her I'd have to take it the following week.    I mentioned how ironic that she broke the handle when Sam did the same thing to my previous car.  (I used to drive him around to Momma's and Rick's.)  Frankly, I thought it was remarkable a self-proclaimed 83yr old weakling had the strength to rip out the handle.  She aimlessly wandered the $tore until I was exhausted.  She said to tell her how much it cost.

So after I got it fixed the following week I did just that and she went ballistic.  She drew back and said haughtily  "Well, I guess I owe you $40."  I said no, I appreciated her offering when Sam had just laughed at me (truth) and it was only $40.  She said I yelled at her in public over the ladder at Goodwill she snaked from me when I took it for pricing and she said she'd take it.  That I didn't say anything immediately and brought it up later.  I'd been in shock.  She'd never treated me so disrespectfully before.  We'd discussed it in her kitchen and I never yelled.  And I humiliated her on purpose at the $tore because of the car door.  She said Sam likes me and is always asking about me(yeah so he doesn't have to take her places) and I've never liked him.  I told her I like him but I didn't want to encourage her after her saying he and I have so much in common.  We don't.  Reminds me of dad on vicodin.  Wonder if she's been on medication?  I know her new dentures have been bothering her.  No more.  Now I get Sam's disbelief in Josie having me as a friend. He knows they are not my friends.  He knows she's a user like him.  His teacher.  Now I get his attitude towards women.  It's Josie's attitude toward women.  Sam's lottery prayer partner may have been his dad.  I've wondered at the destruction.  Accidents around Josie.  My passenger lock works again.  She misaligned the lock by jiggling the handle when I tried to unlock the door.  She thought it was funny keeping me from unlocking it.  I guess it was to punish me for not letting her in first.  It's exactly how Sam broke the other car handle.

And I remembered times she'd talked to strangers in stores to embarrass me.  When one time I set my wallet down to get something out of my purse and a stranger asked me if the wallet was mine, Josie said I'm always leaving my wallet different places.  I thought it was merely weird at the time.  But now it makes sense if she wanted to embarrass me. 

So I spent the fourth watching feature films and doing what I want, when I want, how I want.  Hung out at Vallco Mall in the cool when temperatures are 90-100.  Walked back and forth.  Ate food court.  I have $ to spend for the first time in my life.  That's another thing I noticed.  How much gas I used waiting for her, taking her to her bank, her dentist.  Trips to the $tore.  She never offered gas money at $4/gal.  She seemed to enjoy lagging behind and making me wait for her.  No matter how slowly I went she went slower.

I watched fireworks sat-sun.  Could have gone mon-tue.  Decided to relax.  Watched on tv Macy's Hudson river 6 barges 1/2 hr and pbs Capitol fourth. 

The best ever.

Strength and courage

If only I knew what I was doing I'd do it better?  Been away from the Sr. Ctr. for two months.  I've unlocked cellular memories of toddler neglect and abuse.  That's why I was wanted for adoption.  "Mom and Dad" obviously used me to manipulate others and to feel powerful by torturing me.  When Mom was pregnant with Mit she had to leave Hawaii to maintain her power over me.  With three kids the pressure to adopt me out would be even more. That's the "poor Susan"  over and over.  They all knew I was being abused and there were no laws back then.  Such monsters!  Even with laws the shame precluded anything being done.  Mom gave me to Ailing to shame Baban just as Ailing tortured Mom by abusing and corrupting her own kids. 

Sooo glad I didn't have kids to perpetuate the pain.  The pain ends with me.  I refuse to add more pain to the world.  The dysfunctional tradition of lessen the pain by spreading it around.  Thanks for sharing.

Tested overeating.  Very difficult job.  Gave me digestive problems.  Poops every time I ate.  Night sweats.  Fat becomes an organ with its own hormone secretions.  I can't figure how 500lb. is tolerated.  They have to be in such tremendous emotional pain to not acknowledge or over-ride the physical discomfort.  I have a new respect for the obese.  It takes a lot of work.  Fat people cannot be lazy and maintain the weight.

I can heal myself.  I have all the tools.  Do I have the strength and courage?  I can turn it over to God/Spirit.  That which resides in me as me.  Can I remember?  Recall the perfect child of God that was to be adopted, nurtured and protected but because of the cruelty and jealousy of my birth parents I was neglected and tortured.

Self-hypnosis, deep breathing to the point of hyperventilating.  I need to remain detached in a light trance.  ha-ha my childhood.  How I survived.

With God all things are possible and inevitable.

round and round

Trying to get into this account is just that.  Trying.  Had to go through the whole reset, check email.  Wasn't planning on writing anything.  Life is in maintenance mode.   Finally remembered what I  wanted to look up and did successfully, tried to access blogger and was brought back down to earth.  I release my resistance to the almighty internet.  Wow!! I  do have authority issues.  Anything that's worshiped whether it be S&P, or the boss, or even God I have questions.  The mucky-mucks and the economy are so full of air.  Puffed up with nothing tangible. 

More later.

Sat. 5-7-11.It's later.  Still tricking myself with all this internet hocus pocus.  Kids and the kidlike have a delusion that because they can manage the internet it's some sort of talent.  I don't think so.  It's just another hoop to jump through.  Another club to join to feel SPECIAL.

We already are special.  Even identical twins are unique. 

Tricks part 2

I just realized I can embellish on this page.  I've been trying to underline and couldn't figure out how.  A whole new bag of tricks.  And I've noticed how to go from different folders by clicking the tab.  I can go back and forth. 

Being the Lone Ranger has its benefits.  The peace, quiet, and ability to focus on me.  I've spent my life in fear waiting to be punished by my family.  They died and left me the peace that passes all understanding.  I can live with that. 

Spent hours looking for an adult aspergers site.  I guess I'll have to try facebook or youtube.

WOW! Playing tricks on myself

So this April's Fools I left the ignition in my car on and my battery was completely drained.  CSAA was there and I was on my way 1/2 hr later. 
I wonder if other people play tricks on themselves?  I would guess so.  Or the planet would be better organized...

Got my taxes done.  Another task accomplished.  Life is a series of jobs to me.  I never had a childhood of just living. I was blamed and made responsible my entire childhood.   My life has always been work.  My job as a child was to survive.  I can't understand people who don't take care of business first.  And I know lots of people. 

The Healing Circle was another Unpaid Servant Job.  Not a volunteer.  Volunteers are treated with respect.  I couldn't understand Rick's not speaking up for me when I started using invocation/benediction, bells, candles, using tennis ball to ease tightness in feet, delivering new release dvds, etc. Always being ever so helpful and never being included in "family" dinners and dismissed like a servant when doing him favors.  This morning in the shower I realized Anjie's treating me as a servant came from Rick's cues.  No wonder he never spoke to her about her behavior.  She might have improved her life and he doesn't want that.  Art Martin was right.  His back IS the manifestation of his thinking. 

Thank God for Anjie pointing the way or I'd still be dissed.

I let go of my limits and accept Direction.

Life is scary enough for me

I have no idea where the cursor goes when I press tab.

Last week I thought I lost my wallet at the mall.  Major adrenaline rush thinking what and who I needed to call first to cancel my cards, my license, etc.  Why do people find the need for white water rafting?  Skydiving?  You want an adrenaline rush?  Play identity roulette.  Throw your id out there and wait.  That's something that doesn't endanger anyone else.  Lots of kids and retarded adults risk other's safety when they take chances.  Drunk driving, mountain climbing. 

We become habituated to certain chemical levels in out bodies and when levels fall we seek to up the dose.   Any form of addiction is the body calling to balance the levels, maintain the status quo.  Change always feels uncomfortable and possibly painful. 

Doing great things=changing any habit.

So I prayed=aligned my thoughts and emotions and found my wallet wedged between the passenger seat and door.  Prayer is integrating feelings and desires.  Two different things.  Think about it.

confusion rains(reigns,reins)-not seeing the scary bits

Note:  As children we practice not seeing the scary bits and focusing on the fun bits to avoid punishment for speaking the truth, so of course as adults we continue.  Maturing requires us to change ourselves or  remain in an internal immature condition.  Enslaved by the habits and behaviors learned in childhood.

The problem with the slow development on the planet is due to the appearance of physical maturation without the underlying actual emotional maturity.  This period of time is unusual in the number of people having leisure time.  More people are able to survive without living, hence the frustration and unhappiness.

Emotional maturity is the evolution of the reptile/survival, emtional brain.

This month has been a cold rainy one.  And I've focused on fixing crocheted tanks and making teriyaki jerky, all the projects I've wanted to do.  I'm practicing shielding and channeling.  My back is soo much better.  I'm better able to do and accomplish.  I'm just practicing the moment and hearing and obeying.


Getting into this blog is always a challenge.  I don't understand people climbing mountains or kayaking while everday has challenges.  Maybe they don't see it or choose to ignore it as too mundane.  It's enough for me.

Next I'll start my garden.  I've been weeding a bit at a time.  The winter sun is so intense.  I have garlic and bulbs to plant.  Maybe some sweetpeas?

proper alignment in all things

I couldn't remember how to get into this blog.  I find I have my memory more in my body than my head.  I think my mind is the sum total of all the brain/nerve cells in my body.  This is the first time I've tried to access my blog physically.  I've thought about it and couldn't remember how to do it so I hadn't tried. 

When I hurt my back I realized how important proper alignment is.  Everything I want to be and do only takes the proper alignment and it will come to me driven by the energy of the universe.  I just focus on the proper alignment.