Thursday, December 30, 2010

Looking Forward

Edward Bellamy wrote Looking Backward in the late 1800's after considering the manufacturing in London and being able to extrapolate the future.  He like Kurt Vonnegut Jr. ,Player Piano,could see the eventual demise of manual labor due to the advancements in mechanized factories.  They both foresaw the obsolescence of physical labor and the rise of unemployment.  They both prophesied a welfare state and unrest due to free time.  Edward Bellamy living during the Victorian era had a kinder, more civilized view of the future as a focus on the arts while Kurt Vonnegut saw the solution to unemployment and ennui as revolution and riot.  I'm hoping the future is somewhere in between.  Like the Beatles call to a peaceful revolution...Evolution.  For as long as man has been on the planet war has been a way of life. 

This is why I believe aspergers may be the genetic solution to greed, destruction, and the perpetual cycle of mankind's accomplishments resulting in war.

I look at the family and see the inner strife projected and magnified into the wars between countries.  The methods taught at home for conflict resolution are the same acted out on the world stage.  We'll have peace in the world when there is peace in the home.  We'll have peace out in the world when we have peace within. 

I think my peaceful world was what my "family" hated most of all.  They did all they could to inflame and torture me.  My older sister was raised to "take care" of me in the best gangster fashion.  As children whenever she wanted to shut me down or up she'd refer to burning me with matches or sticking me with safety pins while changing my diapers as an infant.  I find myself obsessed with safety pins and I  successfully became an ex-smoker.  I love candles.  I'll never give them up.

Friday, December 17, 2010

New Year-New Me

Tried to e-mail my dr. Too many hoops to jump through.  Still dealing with depression.  Now it's anxiety around travel.  We came to the mainland from Hawaii when I was four.  Overnight I lost all the people who were nice to me.  Lost in a strange land with relative strangers.  I've never had many memories.  I'm not sure if it's due to the traumatic childhood or aspergers or what.  I only know I'm hardwired to live now.  Survival mode.   So any upset sends me to fear and anxiety.  How I've managed to survive only God knows.

All I know is my life feels out of control, again.  Reading Reader's Digest and the many teen deaths due to prescription drugs I know I'm not alone in feeling anchorless and rudderless, adrift on a vast ocean.  I was lucky I didn't have access to drugs as a child.  I was amazed I survived my teen years.  I felt sure someone in my crazy family would kill me.  They threatened enough.  In the end they killed themselves.  Passive suicide according to my counselor. 

My favorite thing is still reading.  It removes me from my life into other worlds.  I need to work and contribute.  I suppose I'm ok without it.  I want to feel I matter.  I want to be of service to the world.

I think that's all anyone wants.  To be safe and to be valued.  Maybe that's the thing about world domination.  They don't feel safe.  Dictators continue to try to take over the world.  Pinky and the Brain.  An appropriate stage for world domination, cartoons.  All the pain in the world rises to the surface during the holidays.  So I'm not alone.  We're all feeling it.  The trick is not to create more.  And to remember this too shall pass.

Monday, December 13, 2010

well, well, well-deep subject

So much has happened these last two months.  First my phone was out for four days, the phone company recorded message tried to reassure me.  I maneuvered  the phone tree and got an operator who wanted me to troubleshoot from home.  Yeah, right.  Then the answering machine refused to answer.  My callers complained.  All my anxieties rose to the surface and stormed around my head.  Then day after Thanksgiving  my car didn't want to start.  More trials and tribulations.  After having a deja vu ( happened to a prior car) the triple A man confirmed.  Knowing how to deal with a situation is half the solution.  My neighbor commented that I didn't seem upset.  What would be the value in feeling upset?  With who or what could I be upset?  I would be the one suffering.  Then one by one everything started working again.

People invited me to lunch not knowing my birthday was the sixth.  Went to Walgreen's two separate times to buy the same item because intuition said not now to the second item.  What I didn't know, but spirit did, was Walgreen's is giving $5 off coupons for purchases over $25 until Christmas.  If I had purchased both at the same time I'd have received one coupon instead of two.  Then Sunday debating whether to buy the newspaper I went to Walgreen's and brand new Sony dvd-cd players for $29.99.  And the catch there?  To use both coupons I must buy two items.  Voila!

The shrink saying I was delusional makes me sad.  The way the energy works in my life is proof.  It's a fact I could have ended up with one coupon instead of two.  It's a fact my car wouldn't start for one day.  Triple A can verify.  Makes me wonder the health-care definition of delusion.  Personally, I think projection is happening here.  I'm just afraid for anyone else going to her for help.  Not very helpful to label without suggestions or recommendations.  If you think I need help, help me, don't just tell me my time is up.

I couldn't understand the concept of projection until I read the textbook of the Course in Miracles.  The explanation of the Crucifixion answered so many questions I'd had.  If Jesus could raise the dead and walk on water and multiply loaves and fishes being crucified should have been a cakewalk. 

My dad had us study with the Jehovah's witnesses when I was 9.  They couldn't answer my questions like why couldn't God have used evolution to create the animals?  Why didn't Jesus just come out and tell us what to do like Moses and the ten commandments?  The New Testament superseded the Old.  Why did he teach in parables?  Read the Course in Miracles.  That's interesting too.  Subject to interpretation and projection.  I live by results.  I consider myself practical if unorthodox.   In the teacher's manual the topic of reincarnation is mentioned as too controversial a topic to cover because of the length of the discussion.  Fellow students interpreted this as meaning reincarnation doesn't exist.

I wish it didn't.  My hypnotherapy teacher said reincarnation exists whether you believe in it or not, like gravity.  Seems like eons ago I didn't believe.  That's another chapter.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

back to the spiral

In my perception the appointment with the psychiatrist went badly.  She labeled me delusional with personality disorder.  I know I'm aspergers.  I don't want to be on the edge of the bell curve of normalcy.  Life is hard enough without someone trying to stuff me in their box of defintions for their own comfort. Been there spent most of my life there.  I'm meeting mySelf for the first time.  I'm done with merely surviving according to other people's definitions.  I'm ready to live my ethical, intergrated life.

Sometimes it seems we're in the same place because from our vantage point it seems we're in the same spot when actually we've moved one curl up.  Imagine our lives as spirals not straight lines.  Or imagine a sine wave.  A sine wave is identified by amplitude over time.  My concept of being in the flow has to do with energy.  Whether you picture or understand swimming with or against the flow.

A sine wave is graphed as a mathematical equation over time.  After doing some reading on chakras and the Hindu concept of energy wheels, it occured to me that our lives seem to go up and down in a sine wave fashion and that God or creative energy (that which created the universe) resides at the center of the wheel of life.  The closer we are to God (the laws that govern energy) the calmer, reduced amplitude, our lives seem.
Also, I thought our sine wave lives continued on the xy plane at 0 degrees or horizontally when in fact our lives progress at an angle (ex.45 degree incline).  When our lives feel most chaotic and out of our control that angle of inclination has increased.  Blast-off!!!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Update-Stardate 11-24-10 Wednesday

Hey, I figured out how to edit Monday's entry.
I had my first session with the Aspergers expert who was unaware she was the resident expert.  Basically I need a sounding board, an unbiased witness.  I think of myself as being a pragmatist.  If it works I use it.  When it stops working I find something else or change direction.  Shared my theories and she gave me encouraging feedback.  Now the gremlins of doubt.  So much of my past was peopled by those who could gain from me.  Does she just need me to keep coming back or is she authentic in her support?  No, if she needed me to keep coming back she'd try to keep me off-balance and insecure.  My mother's voice. 
I'm a little uncomfortable with this.  New territory.  I omitted thanking her for her support.  She thinks me intelligent based on the wealth of research I've done to find my place on the continuum.  I have read thousands of books and attended countless classes, seminars, lectures.  And then there's all the human nature I've observed.  Things that are out of place capture my attention.  I don't think that's intelligence.  Being able to put old things together in a new way is intelligence.  Creating real solutions to old problems.  Not covering up symptoms but fixing the problem.  Changing the problem into a new option.

I have lots to say about energy.  My thoughts on Unified Field Theory.  Imagine a point as an electron.  Extend the point and it becomes a flow of eletricity, electric current.  Take that line of electricity and extend it to become a plane and you have a magnetic field.  Rotate that plane and you have gravity.  I intuit that the electron emits infinitesimal sparks of energy, too minute to measure and that the natural laws of attraction (be it magnets or human beings) has the same underlying principle. Attraction between people is more subtle.  I hate being stared at.  It distracts me.  I find if I stare back they'll disconnect.  Even with spiders or flies.  Those I don't tolerate indoors. 

Aspergers people have a problem with flourescent lights.  I can hear it as static, a high pitched buzzing.  The visual doesn't bother me unless there's something wrong with the bulb or fixture. Some aspergers can see the cycles and are distracted.   I relate to the world based on its energy.  My tinnitus is not so much a condition as an alarm system.  I hear it when I'm overly tired.  Or like now sitting under the lights.  I've always mistrusted the lights.  Maybe because my body responds to the unnatural.  Ten feet from my head.

Where Temple Grandin thinks in pictures, I think in terms of energy.  There have been times I don't recognize someone when their energy is markedly different.  I can think in pictures if I've seen it before.  I can think in 3 dimensions.  I can extrapolate.  I can't imagine something I've never seen before. When in marriage counseling I was accused of projecting on my ex I couldn't imagine it and the counselor couldn't or wouldn't explain it to me.  I had to read the Course in Miracles on the disciples projections on Christ to understand.
I can't understand people continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result.  Are they just in love with drama?  They function in the world so they have some intellingence.  I remember a reasonably well put together older woman going up to the one hour photo in a department store and asking the clerk how long developing took.  One hour.  Then she asked if she dropped if off now when would it be ready for pickup.  In one hour.  She looked affluent and had obviously driven a car there by the car keys in her gloved hand.  I was afraid of literally running into her in the parking lot.  Was this standard behavior for her or an aberration?  I pray a lot!    

Monday, November 22, 2010

11/22/10-the next generation

My hypothesis is extrapolated from reading Barry Neil Kaufman's book Son-Rise(should be underlined but I haven't figured out how, so imagine I did), that aspergers is the next mutation of homo sapiens.  Of course, he hypothesized that pollution was a man made problem motivating man to think differently.  I've just combined two of his books.  If you haven't guessed by now I'm pretty certain I'm aspergers.
I'm going to be 60 in two weeks.  Hopefully, if you're aspergers you already know it.  It resolves ssoooo much confusion in my life.  I've run across the term so many times, for so many years with no understanding.  The first time watching Becker, the Ted Danson doctor tv sitcom.  I've always found tv to be my window to the universe.  In later years watching PBS I saw a documentary on Temple Grandin who I first thought was a man walking around a ranch and then learned she had been diagnosed as a child and thankfully against the advice of doctors who wanted to institutionalize her, was raised by her equally remarkable,talented and unique mother.

Last year a feature film was made of her life so far and I found it at the library.  I've come to realize my problems being understood and understanding others has a name.  My family was consumed by money and using others.  Normal.  I have never been able to be interested in the things most people find fascinating.  The reality shows are not accurate, logical depictions of life.  Most are manufactured scripts to incite emotion.

Ahh, my background.  The last 9 years I've been pretty much bedridden (actually bedriding would be more accurate and applicable)  so I've had a lot of time to assess and reassess my life.  Like Temple, I have some memories that are seemingly set in permanent storage. 

The beginning of 2010 marked the beginning of my feeling better and healing a ripped up back.  I attempted to remove my mother's body from the bathtub in which she died.  I couldn't get her out but I did manage to rip all the lovely scar tissue protecting my past boo boos.  The hysteria and shock separated me from insisting that my back, neck, and skull were injured.  Kaiser in the form of different doctors and nurses insisted I was depressed ( My mother had just died) and I was going through menopause.  Back pain are symptoms of both.  And a BACK INJURY.  Come on people.

I'd hurt my back before so I had a head start in what I needed to do.  There is always more. 
Seeing how she thinks and her explanations in the special features was an epiphany.  The criticisms and confusion in my childhood was suddenly made clear.  Finally, someone like me!!!  Read her book.