Thursday, December 30, 2010

Looking Forward

Edward Bellamy wrote Looking Backward in the late 1800's after considering the manufacturing in London and being able to extrapolate the future.  He like Kurt Vonnegut Jr. ,Player Piano,could see the eventual demise of manual labor due to the advancements in mechanized factories.  They both foresaw the obsolescence of physical labor and the rise of unemployment.  They both prophesied a welfare state and unrest due to free time.  Edward Bellamy living during the Victorian era had a kinder, more civilized view of the future as a focus on the arts while Kurt Vonnegut saw the solution to unemployment and ennui as revolution and riot.  I'm hoping the future is somewhere in between.  Like the Beatles call to a peaceful revolution...Evolution.  For as long as man has been on the planet war has been a way of life. 

This is why I believe aspergers may be the genetic solution to greed, destruction, and the perpetual cycle of mankind's accomplishments resulting in war.

I look at the family and see the inner strife projected and magnified into the wars between countries.  The methods taught at home for conflict resolution are the same acted out on the world stage.  We'll have peace in the world when there is peace in the home.  We'll have peace out in the world when we have peace within. 

I think my peaceful world was what my "family" hated most of all.  They did all they could to inflame and torture me.  My older sister was raised to "take care" of me in the best gangster fashion.  As children whenever she wanted to shut me down or up she'd refer to burning me with matches or sticking me with safety pins while changing my diapers as an infant.  I find myself obsessed with safety pins and I  successfully became an ex-smoker.  I love candles.  I'll never give them up.

Friday, December 17, 2010

New Year-New Me

Tried to e-mail my dr. Too many hoops to jump through.  Still dealing with depression.  Now it's anxiety around travel.  We came to the mainland from Hawaii when I was four.  Overnight I lost all the people who were nice to me.  Lost in a strange land with relative strangers.  I've never had many memories.  I'm not sure if it's due to the traumatic childhood or aspergers or what.  I only know I'm hardwired to live now.  Survival mode.   So any upset sends me to fear and anxiety.  How I've managed to survive only God knows.

All I know is my life feels out of control, again.  Reading Reader's Digest and the many teen deaths due to prescription drugs I know I'm not alone in feeling anchorless and rudderless, adrift on a vast ocean.  I was lucky I didn't have access to drugs as a child.  I was amazed I survived my teen years.  I felt sure someone in my crazy family would kill me.  They threatened enough.  In the end they killed themselves.  Passive suicide according to my counselor. 

My favorite thing is still reading.  It removes me from my life into other worlds.  I need to work and contribute.  I suppose I'm ok without it.  I want to feel I matter.  I want to be of service to the world.

I think that's all anyone wants.  To be safe and to be valued.  Maybe that's the thing about world domination.  They don't feel safe.  Dictators continue to try to take over the world.  Pinky and the Brain.  An appropriate stage for world domination, cartoons.  All the pain in the world rises to the surface during the holidays.  So I'm not alone.  We're all feeling it.  The trick is not to create more.  And to remember this too shall pass.

Monday, December 13, 2010

well, well, well-deep subject

So much has happened these last two months.  First my phone was out for four days, the phone company recorded message tried to reassure me.  I maneuvered  the phone tree and got an operator who wanted me to troubleshoot from home.  Yeah, right.  Then the answering machine refused to answer.  My callers complained.  All my anxieties rose to the surface and stormed around my head.  Then day after Thanksgiving  my car didn't want to start.  More trials and tribulations.  After having a deja vu ( happened to a prior car) the triple A man confirmed.  Knowing how to deal with a situation is half the solution.  My neighbor commented that I didn't seem upset.  What would be the value in feeling upset?  With who or what could I be upset?  I would be the one suffering.  Then one by one everything started working again.

People invited me to lunch not knowing my birthday was the sixth.  Went to Walgreen's two separate times to buy the same item because intuition said not now to the second item.  What I didn't know, but spirit did, was Walgreen's is giving $5 off coupons for purchases over $25 until Christmas.  If I had purchased both at the same time I'd have received one coupon instead of two.  Then Sunday debating whether to buy the newspaper I went to Walgreen's and brand new Sony dvd-cd players for $29.99.  And the catch there?  To use both coupons I must buy two items.  Voila!

The shrink saying I was delusional makes me sad.  The way the energy works in my life is proof.  It's a fact I could have ended up with one coupon instead of two.  It's a fact my car wouldn't start for one day.  Triple A can verify.  Makes me wonder the health-care definition of delusion.  Personally, I think projection is happening here.  I'm just afraid for anyone else going to her for help.  Not very helpful to label without suggestions or recommendations.  If you think I need help, help me, don't just tell me my time is up.

I couldn't understand the concept of projection until I read the textbook of the Course in Miracles.  The explanation of the Crucifixion answered so many questions I'd had.  If Jesus could raise the dead and walk on water and multiply loaves and fishes being crucified should have been a cakewalk. 

My dad had us study with the Jehovah's witnesses when I was 9.  They couldn't answer my questions like why couldn't God have used evolution to create the animals?  Why didn't Jesus just come out and tell us what to do like Moses and the ten commandments?  The New Testament superseded the Old.  Why did he teach in parables?  Read the Course in Miracles.  That's interesting too.  Subject to interpretation and projection.  I live by results.  I consider myself practical if unorthodox.   In the teacher's manual the topic of reincarnation is mentioned as too controversial a topic to cover because of the length of the discussion.  Fellow students interpreted this as meaning reincarnation doesn't exist.

I wish it didn't.  My hypnotherapy teacher said reincarnation exists whether you believe in it or not, like gravity.  Seems like eons ago I didn't believe.  That's another chapter.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

back to the spiral

In my perception the appointment with the psychiatrist went badly.  She labeled me delusional with personality disorder.  I know I'm aspergers.  I don't want to be on the edge of the bell curve of normalcy.  Life is hard enough without someone trying to stuff me in their box of defintions for their own comfort. Been there spent most of my life there.  I'm meeting mySelf for the first time.  I'm done with merely surviving according to other people's definitions.  I'm ready to live my ethical, intergrated life.

Sometimes it seems we're in the same place because from our vantage point it seems we're in the same spot when actually we've moved one curl up.  Imagine our lives as spirals not straight lines.  Or imagine a sine wave.  A sine wave is identified by amplitude over time.  My concept of being in the flow has to do with energy.  Whether you picture or understand swimming with or against the flow.

A sine wave is graphed as a mathematical equation over time.  After doing some reading on chakras and the Hindu concept of energy wheels, it occured to me that our lives seem to go up and down in a sine wave fashion and that God or creative energy (that which created the universe) resides at the center of the wheel of life.  The closer we are to God (the laws that govern energy) the calmer, reduced amplitude, our lives seem.
Also, I thought our sine wave lives continued on the xy plane at 0 degrees or horizontally when in fact our lives progress at an angle (ex.45 degree incline).  When our lives feel most chaotic and out of our control that angle of inclination has increased.  Blast-off!!!