i took my time hot tub water up to my chin 102 degrees perfect. went $tree 2 cool whip for first presbyterian 11:30 lunch. walter waved me over to his table lovely buffet food supportive company. mash gravy turkey salad mac cheese sweet corn rolls butter
i'm actually glad to feel alive. aspergers autism is all about feeling. we can't verbalize the connections that haven't developed language. like trying to describe the colors in a rainbow to a blind person. 70 years to connect.
are all about being ready for the winter. i was remembering mom canning tomatoes, cherries etc. for the winter. food wasn't as cheap until mass production.
now that i have friends my soul feel safe enough to relax and release all the horror. i'm processing so much pain, loss, soul destroying pain.
finally all connections are complete and i can feel 100 %.
i'm normal! yesterday i talked to the dad of autistic child. i explained how the connections are just different. he doesn't know about barry kaufman 'sonrise' or temple grandin and worries about his son. i talked to him about evolution. his son is in special ed. i pray it works. prayer is focused electrical energy since thoughts are electricity. some prayers are more effective as constant focused attention like a laser.
fr. 11/18 if you understand that a laser 'light amplified stimulted emitting radiation' is coherent electrons all traveling in one direction. scattered electrons are just light.
the variation in connectivity allows for focus in new configurations. sorting out the emotional connections last creates the most logical sequence for survival. our feelings are secondary to curiosity. we have to find how things work cause and effect. doesn't apply to people. therefor confusing. we don't do well with confusion.
it's about survival of the species not the individual. evolution is cruel.
to be in the world and not of it. i'm feeling tired full of toxins and yet content. it's been 6 months non nicotine and new behaviors. the toxins are leaching from my tissues and i'm missing the nicotine. autism a*d*d makes it hard to stay addicted. i keep forgetting. comes and goes like the tide.
an hour to lunch. the lucky's friday freebie 'perfect bar' is honey 24% and almond butter.
i can read and love learning new facts. the stomach brain is so much smarter and more dependable than the head brain. the stomach is more reliable probably because it's older than the head brain. the head brain can rationalize and be wrong.
pg. 152 fear conditioning in mice 2 generation genetic impact. the feelings you feel may not be your own. could be genetic program. genes are loaded gun behaviors and life choices are the trigger.
COPS-California Occupational Personality Survey didn't take into account autism obsession suggested researcher. i do love learning.
takes a lot of disciplined focused energy. the most effective is teaching myself new thinking. letting go of the past. listening to subliminal healing music.
i went to cup library last day to pick up requested "dreamer". i stuck face cloth in swim suit bra to cool down and forgot it until i wanted to wash my face. here for hours.
we are the perfect scientists with an unique perspective. the body feelings are integrated into the human experience. like a guru i can experience the pain i endure without flinching. as if i have a veil i can draw across distancing the sharpness the pain is still intense.
1966 open heart surgery to correct a genetic defect the tube in my lungs to drain fluids didn't hurt except when the nurse ripped it from my body without anesthetic. now my ribs are sore. when i focus on the pain the body remembers. muscle memory that drives the car and brushes our teeth is hard wired. 1972 fall muscle spasms left side hip leg take my breath away and feeling nauseous.
i decided to show Gerde online DMV practice tests. she did 4 i could see she was getting shaky. 2 pm i suggested tomorrow upstairs computer bigger screen and mouse might be easier for her to manage. we'll see. Cody can maybe get her her own library card Thursday. Art got his. i love setting people on independent path. i taught mom computer on library catalog in 10 minutes. then alien used her to do business bookkeeping. besides cooking and yard work. no wonder slavery a family tradition besides alcohol and suicide.
spending time with Gerde Miss Negativity i reverted to family energy locked my keys and phone in car at college Safeway. so i had extra time to wander store. veg jerky, clearance parchment, gum, free soda last day. Marisa customer service called 'triple a' for me and Danny unlocked my car quickly efficiently. home 3:15 i want more veg jerky for protein and fiber.
so many emotions are a waste of energy. Inge was getting jealous. Gerde kept thanking me unlike my family. probably why they never benefited from the changes i made in their lives. gratitude amplifies the good. Gerde is a stubborn survivor like me. she acts like she's the only one getting older and weaker makes me laugh. she thinks she's special the only one like dad. i love her like dad. all of us will age. every one. better get over yourself.
all advances are from singular authentic loners, those who think outside the box.
i'm feeling a little disappointed. new 24 hour fitness wasn't ready for business. not surprised as i could see the level of construction progress or lack there of. 2 free shirts, 2 small snacks 4 oz water.
i suppose i could go to Sunnyvale gym. 3 miles as opposed to 1. i want to pick up requests from Cupertino library and return loans to Sunny and visit book sale so already full schedule.
i drove 14 miles and walked 8 stores looking for what i want. home 3:30 exhausted.
putin needs mother love. a normal person doesn't risk the entire existence of all mankind. my mother was messed up doesn't mean i want to destroy the entire planet. he's taken chernobyl a nuclear disaster and what he does with it remains to be seen. he has no respect for the planet or anyone on it. i pray he wakes up.
i see things differently. i live my energy. i see families with small kids and feel so badly for them. last night on wheel a contestant had her son and daughter in the military. i pray for all of us.
we're all connected like ley lines in a magnetic field. one big magnetic field. i watch people talking and some people like a succubus engage to drain energy from passive people feeding off them like cattle. literally draining them of energy. emotional vampires. run fast run far.
Putin, Trump, Boris Johnson are about manipulating feelings to get the attention they want and don't deserve. attention is directed electrical thought energy they crave. they appeal to fear and anger the basest easiest feelings to generate. they say anything without caring who they hurt. they add no value. they lie.
autism is all about feelings. everyone says they want to be happy without any understanding what that is. what makes us happy evolves with us. or we'd still be living in caves and trees.
Putin threatening war is the maximum polluter. adds nothing to life only death and destruction so much easier lazier than constructive creative activity.
no one is normal. we're all on a spectrum. oh, my mini stroke. my right temple is so sore.
Cathy called 6:30 pm to ask me to send her stickers to i d her walker. what!! i asked her if she had return address mail stickers to use and add her phone number. she was thrilled. i don't know. seemed obvious to me. we talked for 22 minutes. her sister gave her some of her 20 k inheritance to pay bills. she's out of the hospital.
i did my morning routine and called Inge we went to Panera. i treated us to lunch and dessert. we both had steak melted cheese sandwiches and savory souffle. half a sand was plenty we took the rest home. she hasn't been eating. loaded the last of recycle and tipped the guy $4 half of recycle. he's always rushed to help me the 3 times. so i broke even and had a great lunch. jetted over to panda for dinner and red envelope. coupons.
ate senior lunch for dinner and some panda for dessert. mmm, orange chicken. i cooked some brown rice.
asp fascination with predators. working at good will clients would follow me around. i had to remind them to continue their jobs. she is on the cusp of predator/prey. that's what is fascinating watching 'aliens'. she goes from one to the other. i could never understand my family hating me and the kids at school loving me. i have it too. some people come after me to use me others are afraid of me. mom said i was 1 of 2 people she was afraid of. shocked me after all the times she threatened to kill me.
that's the celebrity aura. we're fascinated watching due to our hunter genetics. always on the prowl. stars watched from a safe distance. explains stalkers too. trying to capture that predator safely. owning that guard dog ensuring safety.
aspergers autism is all about distance. we go within for peace from a jumbled incoherent world. we construct our own filters over time but we can't deny physical reality. i think that's why videos are crucial to constructing filters. they teach alternate realities possibilities. beyond a small existence.
i can do whatever i want in my blog. an unusual concept.
i decided limiting short trips. now i understand the longer travel benefits my car. and is helping to loosen me up from constraints.
funny ad on game page find my Asian soul mate=me. this is as relaxing as scratch path. i understand why and how neuro-typicals go brain dead. i like this.
not having filters has its advantages. i have more time to get used to things. the admiration for liars is the denial we needed before technology. Tesla is creating a car that changes colors. law enforcement should have something to say. squid octopus and chamelians do it. big whoop.
just because we can do it doesn't make it a good idea. the man who died on Everest leaving behind a young wife and baby is one example of many.
