i'm sitting listening to kelly howell

bless covid.  because my computer time is limited (no reception at home) i'm forced to find hot spots.  i started with the secret on you tube that segued into attracting prosperity and now sound healing.  i drive to pick up senior lunch, park around corner and compute as long as i can.

i'm finally releasing my SELF.  my autism was tortured into submission.  before mom died and i wrecked my back i used to sleep 8 hours immobile.  i never needed an alarm.  i had one.  average people do.  i woke before it sounded.  i couldn't tolerate the scary noise.  

now i'm a normal aspie sleeping like a baby waking every 2 hours.  i had to learn to camouflage my tendencies to survive my family who probably had aspie traits too.  they projected their self hatred onto me until it killed them with diabetes, high blood pressure etc.  i was afraid they'd kill me.  mom threatened enough.  watching her beating alien, burning me forced me to adjust and adapt.  my family not enlightened at all.

my underlying quest for knowledge is satisfied.  i finally looked in county library found a plethora of books and movies.  

program auto updates until i publish.  then manual.

i'm growing into my brain

we have the same brain potential specializing at different rates.  the ability to hyper focus allows us to learn in depth.  our obsessive capacity is limitless.  we are destined to be experts at whatever our obsessions are.  

different brain development

traditional development is shuffled around.   aspergers feel the same but expressing and assimilating is on a different timeline from common people.  the conscious connection is lagging behind.  babies get frustrated when they know what they want and haven't the vocabulary to express the desire.  children and adults too but more quietly and sometimes hiding the desire.   

aspergers being literal can't lie.  are physically incapable.  when i was 8 i tried to lie and my stomach got upset.  the discomfort wasn't worth it.  my sisters lied all the time.  probably the biggest difference between aspies and common.  lies change physiology chemically.  lies are an insult to the body.

the ultimate lie detector.  my family of liars threatened my very existence.  my physical well being was constantly being compromised.  covid isolation has allowed me to thrive.  there are very few truth tellers.

alcoholics = vampires and werewolves

watching 1944 'return of the vampire' it occurs to me the compulsive destructive behaviors are the same.  there was no psychology to explain the shift between sober and drunken behaviors.  people called vampires and werewolves monsters because members of their own families, rich powerful people couldn't be openly confronted without risking destruction.  

real life 'vampires' kill the dreams and hearts.  they drain energy from people like life's blood.  they bore, dominate and bully.  social convention is their weapon.  being polite is their shield. 

another quirk

being clumsy.  my circuits are set up differently.  and compulsive about getting what i want.  those bras from big lots.  the same size style number doesn't fit.  the fabric stretches differently.  i went this morning i returned and wanted to buy more.  i bought sage and rose gaiters.  keep my neck warm and pull over face like mask.

i love the quiet.

i got bill from medicare and i'm upset.  soc sec starts january.  should i pay it or will it be double payment.  i don't know.  i tried calling but already closed.  tomorrow's another day.  i need life to be simpler easier.

miracle run

 just watched it for first time.  2005 film.  then i thought to check libraries.  a lot on autism aspergers.

never occurred to me before.

pencil shavings

lisa simpson saves them like me.  aspies brains develop at different rates.  areas develop differently.  part of the totality of the universe.  if aspies aren't allowed to develop part of the universe is missing.  

10-11? year old who walks park with parents can feel when i bless him and covers his ears.  

caravan of camels-my love of trivia-venery

alligators, congregation of

apes, monkeys-shrewdness=wicked of, 15th cent.

bats, colony,cauldron of

camels, caravan of

crows, murder of-because carrion eaters around dead bodies

dolphins, pod of

doves, pity of

ducks, paddling of

flycatchers, zipper of

geese, gaggle of

giraffes, tower of

gorillas, band of 

hippos, bloat of

hummingbirds, charm of

magpies, tidings of 

meerkats, mob of 

owls, parliament of

parrots, pandemonium of

penguins, raft of 

prairie dogs, town of

pugs, grumble of

ravens, richness of 

sea otters, romp of

turkeys, rafter of

love me

all anyone wants is love.  depending on how they were loved as a child love is all anyone wants and needs.  if they were abused they feel abuse as 'love'.   not supporting or sustaining but maintaining.  that's why perpetrators, drug addicts escalate.  always needing a bigger fix.  not enlivening but maintaining.

love is nurturing providing sustenance.   giving love is more important than receiving love.  giving love is life affirming.  feelings are generated energy, burning calories.  

i'm just tired of being ambushed.

oops

i'm alphabetizing, organizing my blogs.

senior lunch 9th in line i get good online reception.  there's a father and 10-11 yr old autistic son walking around park.  i think i figured out why the affect.  it's prey behavior being ready for fight-flight.

obsessive/compulsive

HELPED ME TO FINISH PROJECTS BUT PLAYED INTO THE FAMILY SLAVE MENTALITY.  I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO SEE THINGS THROUGH.  SO MOM AND DAD RELIED ON ME TO TAKE CARE OF THEM WHEN THEY RAISED MY SISTERS TO GO OFF AND BE IRRESPONSIBLE SELFISH.  THE WORST KIND OF FISH.  MY SENSE OF HUMOR IS STILL STRONG.

I'M LEARNING TO ACCOMPLISH GOALS IN STAGES AND TO ENJOY THE PROCESS.  I'VE ALWAYS FOCUSED ON COMPLETION.  LEAVES ME EMPTY.  ALWAYS LOOKING FOR NEW GOALS.  I'M LEARNING TO ADMIRE MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

IT'S BEEN 6 MONTHS NON SMOKING.  MY LUNGS ARE CLEARING, COUGHING AND MY BLOODSTREAM IS FULL OF TOXINS LEAVING MY TISSUES.  I'M FEELING CRANKY, THIRSTY AND TIRED.

OH, JOY.

still-AND COVID

THEORY IS WE OUTGROW ASPERGERS BUT WE DON'T. WE LEARN HOW TO COPE.  LIKE MY A-D-D.  IT HELPS TO GAIN RESPITE FROM ANXIETY BUT THE ANXIETY IS PART OF THE PREY CONDITION.  I CAN FOCUS OUTSIDE MYSELF.  

ASPERGERS IS AN EVOLUTIONARY STEP IN DEVELOPMENT.  ASPERGERS PEOPLE SPECIALIZE IN NARROW SPECIFIC AREAS.  SO EACH OF US IS FASCINATED BY DIFFERENT THINGS.  NON COMPETITION.  OUR EXPERTISE IS SPECIFIC.  SOLVING SPECIFIC  PROBLEMS.

WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE I SUBSCRIBED TO PSYCHOLOGY TODAY AT A DRASTICALLY REDUCED RATE TO ENCOURAGE LATER FULL SUBSCRIPTION.  ONE OF THE ARTICLES ADDRESSED OVERPOPULATION PREDICTING RISES IN HOMOSEXUALITY AND VIOLENT CRIMES AS A MEANS OF LIMITING POPULATION.  WHICH WE HAVE.  AND COVID IS PESTILENCE.

PSYCHOLOGICALLY WE'RE PRODUCING AUTISTIC PEOPLE PREY PEOPLE.  WE ARE NON PREDATORS.  PREDATORS ARE GREEDY KILLERS.  PREY PEOPLE ARE HERD PEOPLE.  WE JUST WANT TO LIVE PEACEFULLY TOGETHER.

SPORTS, CONTESTS, COMPETITION REQUIRES WINNERS AND LOSERS; PREDATORS AND PREY.   TO SURVIVE AS A SPECIES MANKIND MUST EVOLVE BEYOND COMPETITION.  COMPETITION ASSUMES FINITE RESOURCES.  THE WHOLE KILL OR BE KILLED EAT OR BE EATEN.

WE NO LONGER LIVE IN THAT REALITY.  WE CAN DO BETTER BE BETTER.  COVID IS FORCING THE WORLD TO BE CONSCIOUS OR DIE.