my social security took a month to straighten out. totally my fault assuming my account number for direct deposit.
for the first time in my life i feel i'm living my life. i've always felt separated even from myself. out of body. back pain made me very conscious.
autism is a developmental hodge podge of connections. all the parts are the same but the connections are made on a different timeline. autism people will always remain young.
i'm glad to be me. autism is happiness in little mundane things. i planted my sterling silver rose cutting in the avocado pot. makes me happy. leaves are covered in scale. i can fix that. a little hand soap. and i can fix the shampoo bottle too. today's a beautiful day. a goldilocks day.
i'm feeling good despite my neck and jaw screaming. stretching my neck is better. i feel it's hurting differently.
i got up watched sunday morning and cooked asparagus omelette with rice and meatloaf. took half hour. i read 'what are you' waiting for cesar 911. dressed went to dollar store finally remembering bottle top i wanted to replace. @ senior park i stretched. internet lasted 2 hours i drove around ended @ main. played my sweeps remembered i wanted lucky's 2 for 1 frozen fish. i debated which one and decided home. got my fish and walked around big lots found brag amino $4.
home i preheated oven. i foiled the pans and cooked the entire bag. i ate some with rice and meatloaf. i love breaded fish. it's like it comes in its own wrapper. i'll have the rest for breakfast and dinner lettuce wraps.
what a great day!
i can use all the art supplies for my stories. i can do cartoons. all those ever sharp mechanical pencils i never used will come in handy. never knew where they came from. god i guess.
i love it when what i'm doing suddenly makes sense. my mom used to accuse me of how i knew when i really didn't. i just bumble along. now the barn bee makes sense too. bored holes in dad's front house add on.
free association. personal brain storming. my autistic brain naturally defaults to free.
toasted senior sandwich added pickled onions, lettuce,mustard. went to busy dollar store then senior park late. spotty internet reception on to main 'til 5. put everything away.
i cooked linguine sesame oil seeds amino, meatloaf and salad. called cathy thanked her for her mom's memorial. nice chat. paid disc. sorted plastic bags, thought about yard, read and watched 'columbo'.
fun day. i think i like being retired.
took half hour fiddling to melt frozen blog. i'm listening to stress free and finally found auto play off. i should be able to replay without resetting every time. i've listened to various and sundry.
i feel better. letter from soc sec saying everything straightened out. and over total gross income 25 k is taxed. maybe cal pers withholding will cover.
it's so fresh going when i feel like it. i stopped dollar store forgot noodles. drove looking for internet connection. stretched first before computing. loaded free guru caffeine drink, double points lucky's. played games, sweeps, wheel. 11 am signal cut out i picked up lunch weekend food. main i checked safe way just for you. not hungry from patriot soup breakfast. drove picked up drink clearance val choc $1, $2 fresh fruit cup. played my games, sweeps. 2:30 my hips were hurting feeling nausea i went walked store bought meatloaf. home 3 pm for 'love boat' ate 2 pieces meatloaf settled my stomach. i made noodles in my bed, bath and beyond 'pasta and more'. cooked asparagus with sesame oil seeds parmesan. so good, delicious, satisfying. my tummy so happy.
Dr. Breuning spells out specific strategies for remodeling brain chemistry no longer a mystery. unlike the internet connection. i'm slowly and surely putting together further evolution. Beatles sang of revolution but they were slightly off target.
day 2 of walk up lunch. i'm parked in shade. did my stretches kid side. more variety. one of the ways to change brain chemicals to happy. internet disconnected 11 divine order i picked up lunch, still no connection i went laundry to wash and wi-fi. lovely. ate in car computed. 2 pm went home, hung clothes, filled water bottles. decided to try patriot dried meal. poured into measured jar used half=2 cups. stomach ache from soup or overstretching. ginger candy better.
can't publish. huh.
distraction from unhappy chem my biggest asset. evolution determined happy chem=survival. i've been punished my entire life for being who/what i am. i'm great. i can't hold a grudge. i'm incapable. tee hee.
unhappy=death. chemicals humans named happy because of the feeling. emotion is always the over riding decision maker. people prefer to believe their decisions are based on intelligence and logic but they aren't.
the autistic don't base their decisions on emotion. most of us observe our feelings in a semi detached fashion. we feel them and observe them without understanding or control.
addicts want the happy feeling without the let down and our bodies are biologically programmed for let down to survive. like a lab monkey choosing orgasm over food and drink may die happy but dies. addicts know their addiction is lethal and feel powerless to intervene. we're just being normal. our bodies evolved for survival in a primitive world. primitive=prime=first=original world.
autism is a jump in evolution. while my ex and his friends indulged in cocaine like good little normal monkeys i was abhorred. being one step removed from my feelings i had no desire to fit in and partake. i had no need. sex and alcohol were sufficient. i was happy not being hit or abused. and as an adult i decided i'd never tolerate abuse again. i'm work in progress not perfection.
my research into brain chemistry explains all human behavior. be and have. behave. if the celebrities who self destructed had the information they might still be alive. joplin, hendrix, pryor. even the ones who miraculously lived to die of cancer harrison, preston could have benefited from understanding how their brains work.
it's so simple it's scary. searching for the next fix. we're all addicted to life.
when i researched co-dependency it didn't go into chemistry only behaviors. it didn't take into account the chemistry. the underlying motivation for survival. we learn by experience and then seek what we know. new experiences cause fear because there's no history, no myelin tracks in our brain/body to reassure us. studying the brain chemistry is everything.
finding loretta breuning while internet surfing just another miracle. being autistic i followed the 'course in miracles' for 365 days and nights not understanding my autism was driving me. researching autism and brain chemistry.
i've been through a lot. i finally got confirmation for my shattered back through dr massih x rays. i'm still processing.
lots of changes. covid vaccines soon. internet went down. i quickly for me recovered settings. found out s v p down unsafe and c s c coverage expanded to seniors.
neck and back stretch helping circulation in eyes, head, neck. i'm using the subliminal to alter my chemicals.
i got card re costco membership renewal i called this am. i still need to call rehab, mri, taxes, prop taxes. i'm doing life at my pace.
i have to embrace the dark parts of myself to be fully human. autism is simply a different development schedule. all the parts are there but like unused muscles. development is based on survival needs. chemicals are the basis for all life, the quantity and quality.
