Thursday, June 30, 2011

Strength and courage

If only I knew what I was doing I'd do it better?  Been away from the Sr. Ctr. for two months.  I've unlocked cellular memories of toddler neglect and abuse.  That's why I was wanted for adoption.  "Mom and Dad" obviously used me to manipulate others and to feel powerful by torturing me.  When Mom was pregnant with Mit she had to leave Hawaii to maintain her power over me.  With three kids the pressure to adopt me out would be even more. That's the "poor Susan"  over and over.  They all knew I was being abused and there were no laws back then.  Such monsters!  Even with laws the shame precluded anything being done.  Mom gave me to Ailing to shame Baban just as Ailing tortured Mom by abusing and corrupting her own kids. 

Sooo glad I didn't have kids to perpetuate the pain.  The pain ends with me.  I refuse to add more pain to the world.  The dysfunctional tradition of lessen the pain by spreading it around.  Thanks for sharing.

Tested overeating.  Very difficult job.  Gave me digestive problems.  Poops every time I ate.  Night sweats.  Fat becomes an organ with its own hormone secretions.  I can't figure how 500lb. is tolerated.  They have to be in such tremendous emotional pain to not acknowledge or over-ride the physical discomfort.  I have a new respect for the obese.  It takes a lot of work.  Fat people cannot be lazy and maintain the weight.

I can heal myself.  I have all the tools.  Do I have the strength and courage?  I can turn it over to God/Spirit.  That which resides in me as me.  Can I remember?  Recall the perfect child of God that was to be adopted, nurtured and protected but because of the cruelty and jealousy of my birth parents I was neglected and tortured.

Self-hypnosis, deep breathing to the point of hyperventilating.  I need to remain detached in a light trance.  ha-ha my childhood.  How I survived.

With God all things are possible and inevitable.