Sunday, November 27, 2011

Best Thnxgvng Ever-11*24*11*MIRACLE

I'm amazed... I'm sitting in the Cupertino library 'cause the SrCtr and Santa Clara lib. are closed.  Prop J strikes again.  Two days b4 Toma's called asking if I wanted to go to Jamie and Tom's.  It was perfect.  He wanted to go afternoon, 2:30.  For once in my life I had a leisurely time getting ready.

I used to stress about not enough time to get something to take, what to wear, etc.  So conditioned to just stressing out.  Family tradition.  Get there at 8 to help cook.  Watch my sisters stroll in whenever. Feeling pressured is now a totally internal dialogue.  Hearing the committee in my head, all the criticism I grew up with backed up by intermittent abuse.  I think intermittent abuse is the most effective.  The not knowing when hell was about to break loose caused a constant state of anxiety.  (Wow!! Didn't know that's where the free floating anxiety comes from.)  Couldn't show it because that would open the floodgates.  So I learned to mask my internal life.  Secret Agent.  Secret Asian.

Nobody knows what's going on in me because I don't know.  My scariest adventure is looking within.  I've come to realize and accept (painfully) that my parents singled me out as the slave-scapegoat.  That's why dad wouldn't let me be adopted by rich people.  1) I couldn't be allowed to live a better life than theirs. 2) I was the servant-family dog.  Beat the dog so you don't punch the boss. I got scraps my entire life.  We moved to California to reduce the interference from the relatives.  So I lost all the people who loved me and treated me nicely.

My friends, the ones I still talk to, treat me well and with respect.  People I thought of as friends, when I considered their treatment of me, I had to accept I was just an unpaid servant.  Just like my family.  For the last ten years I've foolishly waited for them to wake up and realize how wonderful I am.  Just another bad habit I can break.

I've yet to have a loving relationship.  I guess it starts with me.

Who do I want in my life?  I must stay present.

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