I'm amazed... I'm sitting in the Cupertino library 'cause the SrCtr and Santa Clara lib. are closed. Prop J strikes again. Two days b4 Toma's called asking if I wanted to go to Jamie and Tom's. It was perfect. He wanted to go afternoon, 2:30. For once in my life I had a leisurely time getting ready.
I used to stress about not enough time to get something to take, what to wear, etc. So conditioned to just stressing out. Family tradition. Get there at 8 to help cook. Watch my sisters stroll in whenever. Feeling pressured is now a totally internal dialogue. Hearing the committee in my head, all the criticism I grew up with backed up by intermittent abuse. I think intermittent abuse is the most effective. The not knowing when hell was about to break loose caused a constant state of anxiety. (Wow!! Didn't know that's where the free floating anxiety comes from.) Couldn't show it because that would open the floodgates. So I learned to mask my internal life. Secret Agent. Secret Asian.
Nobody knows what's going on in me because I don't know. My scariest adventure is looking within. I've come to realize and accept (painfully) that my parents singled me out as the slave-scapegoat. That's why dad wouldn't let me be adopted by rich people. 1) I couldn't be allowed to live a better life than theirs. 2) I was the servant-family dog. Beat the dog so you don't punch the boss. I got scraps my entire life. We moved to California to reduce the interference from the relatives. So I lost all the people who loved me and treated me nicely.
My friends, the ones I still talk to, treat me well and with respect. People I thought of as friends, when I considered their treatment of me, I had to accept I was just an unpaid servant. Just like my family. For the last ten years I've foolishly waited for them to wake up and realize how wonderful I am. Just another bad habit I can break.
I've yet to have a loving relationship. I guess it starts with me.
Who do I want in my life? I must stay present.
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