Saturday, July 23, 2011

isolation and introspection

Working out in the yard this morning  I realized I am delusional in thinking I can take care of everything  myself.  I can't.  It's like Footprints.  I've always been supported by spirit.  My delusion is in thinking that support is gone.  My delusion is believing I can isolate myself from spirit.  Spirit will supply whatever I desire.  I need to be more careful in my desires.

Only by closing out the world can I determine what and who I am not as a reflection or adjunct of someone else- My core beliefs and feelings uninfluenced by any outside energy. 

All I know today is I made my lunch (taking care of me), it was imperative I blog today.  I actually thought today was Sunday.  I was excited to feel well after yardwork/hardwork. 

Then the panic of my check engine light.  I've never had one before.  Instead of feeling relief for the warning I felt fear.  The old Me would have noticed, made plans.

No wonder my parents hated and mistrusted me.  I never used to experience that panic.  Only living with them, giving them my energy to keep them alive until I almost died, allowed me to experience what they chose to live with everyday.  And it is learned behavior.  It can be unlearned.  Fear and panic are only beneficial in learning situations.  If there is no benefit the feelings are useless.

The shared experience and cameraderie of feelings bond people together.  Emotions (energy in motion) are superglue.  Social functions as events and processes seal humankind into a lump of energy.  Strong emotions bond experiences and reactions together in an effort to protect us as a form of evolutionary survival skills.  So shared experiences at festivals, sporting events, bars satisfy the need for belonging and feeling part of something bigger.

Only individuals breaking out of the morass can change the direction and intention of the creative energy.  True creativity is lonely and isolated; the only conditions change can occur in are perceived as negative.  And it's only perception.  How sad and painful is it really?  Only as sad and painful as the energy invested in the perception.  Truly, in Buddhism the pain comes from fighting the reality and holding on to the illusion.  The pain is very real to call our attention to what needs changing.

When one is in love everything good is better and everything bad is more tolerable.  Why?  Because emotional energy is stronger than drugs, torture, you name it.  Love is the feeling of connectedness lacking in the everyday world.  Hitler, Jim Jones used that feeling of belonging, longing to be a part of something bigger.  We already are that in God.

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