Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Update-Stardate 11-24-10 Wednesday

Hey, I figured out how to edit Monday's entry.
I had my first session with the Aspergers expert who was unaware she was the resident expert.  Basically I need a sounding board, an unbiased witness.  I think of myself as being a pragmatist.  If it works I use it.  When it stops working I find something else or change direction.  Shared my theories and she gave me encouraging feedback.  Now the gremlins of doubt.  So much of my past was peopled by those who could gain from me.  Does she just need me to keep coming back or is she authentic in her support?  No, if she needed me to keep coming back she'd try to keep me off-balance and insecure.  My mother's voice. 
I'm a little uncomfortable with this.  New territory.  I omitted thanking her for her support.  She thinks me intelligent based on the wealth of research I've done to find my place on the continuum.  I have read thousands of books and attended countless classes, seminars, lectures.  And then there's all the human nature I've observed.  Things that are out of place capture my attention.  I don't think that's intelligence.  Being able to put old things together in a new way is intelligence.  Creating real solutions to old problems.  Not covering up symptoms but fixing the problem.  Changing the problem into a new option.

I have lots to say about energy.  My thoughts on Unified Field Theory.  Imagine a point as an electron.  Extend the point and it becomes a flow of eletricity, electric current.  Take that line of electricity and extend it to become a plane and you have a magnetic field.  Rotate that plane and you have gravity.  I intuit that the electron emits infinitesimal sparks of energy, too minute to measure and that the natural laws of attraction (be it magnets or human beings) has the same underlying principle. Attraction between people is more subtle.  I hate being stared at.  It distracts me.  I find if I stare back they'll disconnect.  Even with spiders or flies.  Those I don't tolerate indoors. 

Aspergers people have a problem with flourescent lights.  I can hear it as static, a high pitched buzzing.  The visual doesn't bother me unless there's something wrong with the bulb or fixture. Some aspergers can see the cycles and are distracted.   I relate to the world based on its energy.  My tinnitus is not so much a condition as an alarm system.  I hear it when I'm overly tired.  Or like now sitting under the lights.  I've always mistrusted the lights.  Maybe because my body responds to the unnatural.  Ten feet from my head.

Where Temple Grandin thinks in pictures, I think in terms of energy.  There have been times I don't recognize someone when their energy is markedly different.  I can think in pictures if I've seen it before.  I can think in 3 dimensions.  I can extrapolate.  I can't imagine something I've never seen before. When in marriage counseling I was accused of projecting on my ex I couldn't imagine it and the counselor couldn't or wouldn't explain it to me.  I had to read the Course in Miracles on the disciples projections on Christ to understand.
I can't understand people continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result.  Are they just in love with drama?  They function in the world so they have some intellingence.  I remember a reasonably well put together older woman going up to the one hour photo in a department store and asking the clerk how long developing took.  One hour.  Then she asked if she dropped if off now when would it be ready for pickup.  In one hour.  She looked affluent and had obviously driven a car there by the car keys in her gloved hand.  I was afraid of literally running into her in the parking lot.  Was this standard behavior for her or an aberration?  I pray a lot!    

Monday, November 22, 2010

11/22/10-the next generation

My hypothesis is extrapolated from reading Barry Neil Kaufman's book Son-Rise(should be underlined but I haven't figured out how, so imagine I did), that aspergers is the next mutation of homo sapiens.  Of course, he hypothesized that pollution was a man made problem motivating man to think differently.  I've just combined two of his books.  If you haven't guessed by now I'm pretty certain I'm aspergers.
I'm going to be 60 in two weeks.  Hopefully, if you're aspergers you already know it.  It resolves ssoooo much confusion in my life.  I've run across the term so many times, for so many years with no understanding.  The first time watching Becker, the Ted Danson doctor tv sitcom.  I've always found tv to be my window to the universe.  In later years watching PBS I saw a documentary on Temple Grandin who I first thought was a man walking around a ranch and then learned she had been diagnosed as a child and thankfully against the advice of doctors who wanted to institutionalize her, was raised by her equally remarkable,talented and unique mother.

Last year a feature film was made of her life so far and I found it at the library.  I've come to realize my problems being understood and understanding others has a name.  My family was consumed by money and using others.  Normal.  I have never been able to be interested in the things most people find fascinating.  The reality shows are not accurate, logical depictions of life.  Most are manufactured scripts to incite emotion.

Ahh, my background.  The last 9 years I've been pretty much bedridden (actually bedriding would be more accurate and applicable)  so I've had a lot of time to assess and reassess my life.  Like Temple, I have some memories that are seemingly set in permanent storage. 

The beginning of 2010 marked the beginning of my feeling better and healing a ripped up back.  I attempted to remove my mother's body from the bathtub in which she died.  I couldn't get her out but I did manage to rip all the lovely scar tissue protecting my past boo boos.  The hysteria and shock separated me from insisting that my back, neck, and skull were injured.  Kaiser in the form of different doctors and nurses insisted I was depressed ( My mother had just died) and I was going through menopause.  Back pain are symptoms of both.  And a BACK INJURY.  Come on people.

I'd hurt my back before so I had a head start in what I needed to do.  There is always more. 
Seeing how she thinks and her explanations in the special features was an epiphany.  The criticisms and confusion in my childhood was suddenly made clear.  Finally, someone like me!!!  Read her book.