this is my year

i have high hopes for 2022.  emotionally it's been tough.  i can finally relax.  takes practice.  new behaviors uses so much energy.  breaking down the old tracks and building new ones.

bowels unclenching

the body doesn't need to know to know.  vibrating with the environment i can follow what people name instinct.  without it we face extinction.  instinct or extinct.

i've lived most of my life terrorized by family and facsimiles.  this feeling is weird.  the absence of life threats.  only took 71 years to create a place of peace.  i sincerely (without wax) hope my autistic brethren have an easier time.  we are the future of mankind or face species extinction.  

there must be an unconscious knowing.  the 'species' series.  horror movies demonstrate inner fears.  people watch hoping to exorcise the fear while actually exercising the fear further reinforcing the chemical tracks.

autism is integration of reptile brain

only took 71 years to grow into my brain.   40 % of population still functioning from primitive brain.  those who won't see reality of viral situation.  hopefully they'll only infect and kill off each other solving over population and the resultant pollution, resources allocation, etc.  i recognize and assimilate the chemicals and thoughts.  i can change my thoughts and the resultant chemicals instead of the other way around.

i'm not used to feeling this calm, used to feel like the end of the world.  fear and alarm bells doom and death.  my family attacking me.  tough when those nearest and dearest trample me and my feelings.  

sunny vale library has so many autism books for kids.  since i never had family acceptance i can re raise myself.  

i don't know if i'm just solitary or freaked by my past terrible interactions with predatory people.  some animals are solitary some herders.

so much new

the new schedule for the next 2 weeks.  i don't know what i want to do.  i waited 'til 10 to dress and go to seniors.  then the internet chrome had notice of problems wouldn't connect.  late opening dining room i walked park stretched, my back quiet.  picked up lunch went to main so Darryl could look at.  Paul computer wizard couldn't reprogram said only city problem sunny vale fine.  ate lunch 1 pm in car, went in charged chrome, listened to healing, gamed, checked out pop up sale, bored at 3 i went to nob hill $5 moon day for half rack ribs 5 tamales.  home watched 'love boat', ate 2 ribs 3 tamales.  so good.  

i've had a cold so light i didn't know 'til constant sniffles today i first thought was allergies.  i've had sore spots in my mouth that lasted a few hours so i didn't realize they were cold related.  i ate herb no antihistamine and tried c worked.  so i've had the hint of a cold.  my immune system must be ramped up.

i added cleaner to softener and pressed light display.  warning flashing stopped.  installed 8/21 so warning a week before 4 month period.

i looked for an hour for pge bill to pay and finally remembered i paid last week.  i can hear them in my head 'oh,you'.

sunnyvale library

i returned cinemability, generation A, autism: a family's journey.  they get so much wrong.  accurate that each is unique.  like each snowflake is different.  infinite variety.  18 month brain body development connections expressing emotions last connection.  we feel them without being able to express them.  we can be trained cognitively purposefully.  hopefully without abuse.  gently.

water softener warning light flashing set off ptsd panic.  chemicals cascading through my body.  cortisol, adrenaline, etc.  mom and dad always had a meltdown rending and tearing at anyone around them.  my sisters were better at running and hiding while i was the deer caught in the headlights so i was constantly blamed for their unhappiness.  they never matured to deal with their feelings.  autistic or stunted emotional development.  what matters is me now.  

i took care of buying the cleaner expeditiously.  and i realized going to home depot with all the new things triggers my autism.  overload.  tilt.  

i'm more integrated, more me than i've ever been before.

we take in everything-WHEN WILL THEY WAKE UP!!!

common people learn to screen out what doesn't profit them.  i'm watching fighting on the tv at gym 2 while i dress and think what a waste of energy.  i'd rather see a contest of house building or something constructive.  even the movies people want to see things blown up destroyed.  people murdered as long as it's not them.  don't they realize that's all coming from primitive brain???  

people admire the skills that were important 2000 years ago.  all the "entertainment" and 'recreation' are admiring cave man skills.  fixing GLOBAL WARMING requires seeing that the commercial consumption is us consuming ourselves.  i see an ad for the global warming movie with star interviews and next a 'service' for more gift technology.  more waste than improving our lives.  does it add value?  gaah!!

now i see it

my fascination with what people look at and don't see.  i found a wells fargo visa card on the side walk.  i flagged down a mail man to take to the bank but not on his route.  then i remembered there might be one inside safe way so at the corner the owner came around the corner looking for it.  whew!! i know how panicked and depressed i would be.  

that's the gift: seeing.  most people selectively learn to screen out unimportant details.  autism has no screens.  everything is a danger.

i soaked in the hot tub at gym 2 and i'm hanging in sunny vale.  learning happiness.   

i'm feeling happily autistic.

the people in my life accept me just as i am.  even when mom wanted me to be someone else i just wanted to be me.  even when she repeatedly punished me i was glad to be me.  i'm the best me i can be.  

my virgin Uber ride was great.  my free medicare ride to care more Carlos picked me up 2:45 exactly.  i love being chauffeured.  so i was happy and well rested my blood pressure good, all my numbers better than last year.  this is the way to go for a yearly physical.  going home i waited in the office.  the first car called didn't show up.  i got home 5:15.

a d d or distraction

the ability to distract oneself from sadness, negativity or criticism has served me well.  also the ability to hyper focus.  two sides to the same coin.  not a disability but an unique ability surely.  home 1 pm 'gigi' the musical of a groomed courtesan who marries.  i don't understand how this is acceptable.  the old me found it entertaining the now me is horrified.                                                                                                                                                    totally relaxed while watching 'Poirot's the labors of Hercules' i experienced 2 body quakes the first so strong it almost bounced me out of the bed.  it came from my solar plexus.  not muscles discharging electricity like a twitch.  a sudden surge of energy.  nothing like an external linear surface twitch.  this lasted.  3 dimensional.  the opposite of a stabbing.  Agatha Christie depicts the ultimate predator without compassion or guilt.  like my sisters.  perfectly camouflaged to appear human.