Last week while bicycling at Senior Center the TV was running a cable funniest video program. I happened to glance up from my book on the stationary bike and they recorded on a mobile phone an elderly man falling on the up escalator and like a turtle on his back he was stuck. Just like what happened to dad in reno 1998. The caption read "Old people can sleep anywhere". Considering that dad's fractured spine lead to his death a year later I couldn't find it in the least funny. (It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it and I cry to release the pain and anguish.)
I avoided thinking about it and have yet to talk to anyone about it. I had lunch w/Tomas' last Fri. and cried all morning long but I couldn't talk. I've done my best to forget it but my body keeps me honest. I realized and accepted that the only reason (MY RAISON DE'ETRE) I wasn't allowed to be adopted was to be the servant. Indeed, I've been conditioned to serve and suffer. Suffering has been my only friend. Smoking made the suffering tolerable. I can now be an ex-smoker because I don't have to suffer any more. As much pain as I feel now is still less than what it was during the experience. I've been waking to memories of past abuse. The lack of my memories was a protection. A firewall keeping the essence of Susan pure.
It's 57* and I'm sweating. My back has been so unstable. I've been crying at least once a day since last Friday. I have an appointment at Kaiser today at 2. That's new. Asking for help.
I joined a group at Seniors. First section was on transitions, this 10 sessions relates to depression and stress of the holidays. I was 10 minutes late monday. Hooray for ME!!! I didn't even know: I was relaxed. New behaviors for a new, better, happier life.
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