Sunday, November 27, 2011

Best Thnxgvng Ever-11*24*11*MIRACLE

I'm amazed... I'm sitting in the Cupertino library 'cause the SrCtr and Santa Clara lib. are closed.  Prop J strikes again.  Two days b4 Toma's called asking if I wanted to go to Jamie and Tom's.  It was perfect.  He wanted to go afternoon, 2:30.  For once in my life I had a leisurely time getting ready.

I used to stress about not enough time to get something to take, what to wear, etc.  So conditioned to just stressing out.  Family tradition.  Get there at 8 to help cook.  Watch my sisters stroll in whenever. Feeling pressured is now a totally internal dialogue.  Hearing the committee in my head, all the criticism I grew up with backed up by intermittent abuse.  I think intermittent abuse is the most effective.  The not knowing when hell was about to break loose caused a constant state of anxiety.  (Wow!! Didn't know that's where the free floating anxiety comes from.)  Couldn't show it because that would open the floodgates.  So I learned to mask my internal life.  Secret Agent.  Secret Asian.

Nobody knows what's going on in me because I don't know.  My scariest adventure is looking within.  I've come to realize and accept (painfully) that my parents singled me out as the slave-scapegoat.  That's why dad wouldn't let me be adopted by rich people.  1) I couldn't be allowed to live a better life than theirs. 2) I was the servant-family dog.  Beat the dog so you don't punch the boss. I got scraps my entire life.  We moved to California to reduce the interference from the relatives.  So I lost all the people who loved me and treated me nicely.

My friends, the ones I still talk to, treat me well and with respect.  People I thought of as friends, when I considered their treatment of me, I had to accept I was just an unpaid servant.  Just like my family.  For the last ten years I've foolishly waited for them to wake up and realize how wonderful I am.  Just another bad habit I can break.

I've yet to have a loving relationship.  I guess it starts with me.

Who do I want in my life?  I must stay present.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

insanity tautologies

All dictators are insane.  Not one has been able to attain immortality by killing others and yet they are compelled, obsessed with destroying others.  The more they kill and destroy the greater their chance of being deposed and destroyed.  Therefore they must be insane.

All those who allow and/or follow a dictator are insane.  No dictator has ever succeeded in creating heaven as promised, only a slow and prolonged hell that may feel like forever. 

Making myself sick will not heal a single person.  It may prolong their life temporarily but it cannot heal them.  Sacrificing my health is unhealthy.

Making myself poor will not make anyone richer.  Wealth is within.  The richest man is he who has the fewest needs.

There is a ceiling on how much satisfaction can be gained by having money.  Earning money can become an accomplishment addiction.  All the money in the world cannot buy immortality.  It demonstrates the law of diminishing returns. 

Things will always remain the same.  If this were true we'd still be living in actual caves.  Some people live in virtual caves in their heads. 

Friday, November 18, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving/Anniversary-11/22-24

Next week marks my one year anniversary.

I'm physically and emotionally better this year.  Well, they're one and the same aren't they.  And I am immensely grateful.  I think gratitude is one of my skills.  I'm always very touched by kindness.  And strangers are always kind.  It's family I have problems with.

Reading Psych Today, Asperger's Diary I found when googling my account, I realized my lack of interest and my sensitivity to teasing is aspy related.  (I was always told I was weird and stupid.  No common sense.  And I learned to take it as a compliment when I thought about common sense.  I never told them though.  I'd have been punished.)  I consider teasing the lowest form of what passes for humor in most people.  Nothing clever or funny about it that I can see.  And aspies just see things from a different angle.  We require intelligence to survive in the mob.  We learn to moderate our behaviors to fit in.  I don't want to fit in.  Most people below the surface are mean lizard brains fighting for survival way beyond the satisfying of their basic needs.  The keeping up and surpassing the Jones' is dictated by the lizard brains.  The need to acquire based on the fear of lack.  The only thing mankind doesn't lack is fear.  We have an universe of fear and can fabricate fear on demand.  Our survival and success requires a shift from fear to compassion.  Feeling with as in the bible.  Brother's keeper.  Judge not.  If mankind cannot expand his mind and heart to demand equality and fairness for all, man is doomed to a cycle of invention and destruction.  Honor thy mother and father doesn't say love them.  Can you find something to respect in them?  Remember, you share DNA.

Fear is used to market products.  Forces us to watch programs that feed us more fear.  Herbert's Dune "Fear is the mindkiller."  Babies come into the world with two fears:  Loud noises and falling.  Parents instill (install) survival fears. 

I'm ready to move beyond just surviving.

Thursday, November 17, 2011


Last week while bicycling at Senior Center the TV was running a cable funniest video program.  I happened to glance up from my book on the stationary bike and they recorded on a mobile phone an elderly man falling on the up escalator and like a turtle on his back he was stuck. Just like what happened to dad in reno 1998. The caption read "Old people can sleep anywhere".  Considering that dad's fractured spine lead to his death a year later I couldn't find it in the least funny.  (It makes me sick to my stomach  to think about it and I cry to release the pain and anguish.)
I avoided thinking about it and have yet to talk to anyone about it.  I had lunch w/Tomas' last Fri. and cried all morning long but I couldn't talk.  I've done my best to forget it but my body keeps me honest.  I realized and accepted that the only reason (MY RAISON DE'ETRE) I wasn't allowed to be adopted was to be the servant.  Indeed, I've been conditioned to serve and suffer.  Suffering has been my only friend.  Smoking made the suffering tolerable.  I can now be an ex-smoker because I don't have to suffer any more.  As much pain as I feel now is still less than what it was during the experience.  I've been waking to memories of past abuse.  The lack of my memories was a protection.  A firewall keeping the essence of Susan pure.

It's 57* and I'm sweating.  My back has been so unstable.  I've been crying at least once a day since last Friday.  I have an appointment at Kaiser today at 2.  That's new.  Asking for help.

I joined a group at Seniors.  First section was on transitions, this 10 sessions relates to depression and stress of the holidays.  I was 10 minutes late monday.  Hooray for ME!!!  I didn't even know: I was relaxed.  New behaviors for a new, better, happier life.