being autistic

i wonder.  i love figuring out how things work.  for the first time in my life i enjoy being.  i've lived my life trying to be someone average.  mom always telling me i wasn't good enough.  be like other people.  be a liar thief like other people.  be cruel and selfish.  

all social interactions can be defined by predator/prey.  predators pick on people thinking they're prey until the prey shoots someone.  the terrorists despots are deluded predators whose ultimate result is death and destruction.  they're not stupid just deluded.  

mom was my predator.  basically a coward.  she taught my sisters to be predators.  wolves in sheep clothing.  predators are good at camouflage.  

#me too--raping the earth

that's what global warming and covid, sars, ebola, bird flu, swine flu, etc. are all about.  the planet resents being raped.  

this break from the routine has been great for me.  i've always dreaded change before but i feel so me.  autism is like living in a movable cave.  

people choose trump the predator

i couldn't understand people trusting the lying molester.  voting for and defending him until i realized they want a predator to defend them insanely believing they won't be devoured.  so 40 % are subconsciously insane driven by genetic coding.  

my sisters treat me the way my parents taught them to treat me.  children mimic behavior of the most aggressive parent figure to optimize their chances of survival.  

it's all about respect

when we respect the planet and each other as citizens of the planet we can solve what we've done.

trudy

i told her to give herself points for showing up to exercise.  for actually working out and showering i awarded her 50, 000.  

when i first started at seniors just getting there was a mountainous task.  took me all day sometimes days to recover.  then showering and changing i had to rest between steps.  after 8 years bed ridden it's taken me 13 years to this point.  and i still want more.

shared my thoughts on magnetism gravity with me me.

gravity is magnetism on a huger denser scale.  instead of an outside source lining up ions the sheer volume of atoms lines up the ions.  when i first learned about magnets and compasses i took one of dad's iron nails, a piece of copper wire, a battery and made my first magnet.  i love the magic of it.  only seems like magic 'cause infinitesimal forces can't be seen by the eye.  can be measured as electromagnetic field. 

i feel special

i've been reading Louise Hay at night and diligently saying affirmations, exercises and i feel happier.  not simple or easy being raised by average predators.                                        until i update nothing shows up on blog.  i still don't know why blog malfunctions.  oh, well.  it may fix itself.  not crucial.  suppose obsessive behavior is on the same dna strand across the board.  sequencing would explain a lot of human behavior throughout history and the repetitive behavior of despots.  which means genetic modification is the key to peace on the planet.                                                                                                                               i could never understand the need to lie, cheat and the ego induced need for one up man ship.  every dictator ends up the same way so by definition every dictator is insane.  and when people lie they generate bad chemicals in their bodies.  like cancer is unresolved anger.  the answer to good health is forgiveness.                                                                              my back must be unresolved lack of support.  i want to be stronger than i've ever been.  and dysfunctional codependent that i am i always helped the the family and they never helped me.  my pattern is being changed by my pandemic isolation.  i'm focusing on me.                                                     

according to "fiddler miracle of miracles" doc

my parents loved me the best they could.  when i left home was because at 18 they for once and only tried to raise me.  too late.  and when i went back because my 'sisters' refused to help my sick parents.  i became an only child at 39.  

i don't know how average i am.  i just don't know.  i do know we feel things without filters.  we feel intuitively.  we are like chicks just out of the egg.  they expect us to respond like average but we are new and different.  

Yuval Noah Harari writes and speaks about a new people.  we're it.  our specific umbrella mutation has been murdered, stuck in attics, chained in basements traditionally.  for the first time in human history we're allowed to live and contribute.   

Christ had it right we are the least capable of surviving on our own and how the world treats us determines the course of the survival of mankind.

survival mode

i wonder where the lost letters go.  i type and sometimes they just don't register.  

i'm still reprogramming old habits learning to take my time.  the chemical pathways have to be neutralized and new chemistry laid over neural networks.  

last part to connect is sensors

i feel things others don't.  i can tell when i need more vitamin c.  i gave toke a small bottle of oxygen water.  she didn't want to take it but i insisted she try it.  she was feeling tired.  i drank one this morning my body craving it.  it makes me feel so much better.  and i think it tastes delicious.  silky in my mouth.  i can't describe it exactly accurately.  maybe i need it to heal faster.  

i'm more sensitive to what's going on in my body.  the nausea masks pinched hip nerves.  when i eat fruit drops nausea goes away and i can feel pinch in stomach.

talking to Cody about magnets it occurs to me gravity and magnetism are obviously the same.  the denser more massive an object the electrons become discrete like in a laser.  a gravitational field is an electromagnetic field.  light is scattered electrons.  lasers are discrete electrons traveling in one direction.