Saturday, December 21, 2013

Feeling frantic-or frenetic

My inner child is fighting to get out.  I'm tired and frenzied at the same time.  Maybe I'm tired from having to control myself   all  the time, a valuable survival skill.  Not as useful today.  Just tiring.  I need help and I'm learning to ask for help

Surprise, surprise, Tomas has the same problem.  He has too many people to ask and they have no discernible boundaries.

Finding respectful people to help seems to be a problem on the planet.  Trust.  Trustworthy.

Went to Srs. to print out Faith Ptg. proposal and Sydney had to help.  I nu-stepped and showered.

Went to St. Justin's and the library and home and rest.

Called Tomas to see how the cleaning went and he said he'd "just puked out his guts" so I went into rescuer mode and stopped at Golden Crown for hot-sour soup.  Of course, I do need him healthy if he's to tear down the trellis.  So my behavior may be self-serving.  Hmmm...

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Oh, Aspergers

New things are so uncomfortable.   Eric's in O'Connors Hospital,   Tomas  has the  serious flu,  and my new roof.   

I wrote the wrong amount to Wood's Roofing, Joe Cunniff.  Luckily he was at the bank and able to retrieve the check so I could write a new one before it bounced.  

The first time in my life I wrote a check wrong.  He was so nice about it.  

Dad always took care of carpenter things, so I have no skills.  I'm learning.  Thank you dad for all the years you did it.                   


Tuesday, November 26, 2013

The anxiety never goes away- I learn to manage it.

If I knew what I was doing the world would be mine, maybe.  

I take pflower for awhile, feel better and then forget to take it.  Then when the anxiety becomes unmanageable I remember.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Predator/Prey 7*14*13-Hitler and Caligula

Aspergers is an evolutionary tool to ensure continuation of the human species.  Too many predators destroy the civilization. 

Predators unchecked create Hitlers and Caligulas.  Insanity becomes the norm.

Friday, June 28, 2013

Managing symptoms-Susandate 6*28*2013

Feeling anxious after a remarkable week.  Started out cooler than usual with 70 degree days. 
Sunday cool so topped up bin Tomas was filling.  Chopped up stems and leaves kaki.  Suffered horribly shoulders and upper-middle back.  Exercised Mon.  Rested Tues. puzzle, and was feeling sick and tired went home early.  Napped.  Woke 5pm and readied for 6:30 SC  library for chocolate tasting and lecture on book writing. Janet Yamada, a volunteer at Sr Ctr lunch greeted me.  She's always nice to everyone.  She had dropped her raffle ticket on the floor.  I pointed it out and she said she never wins.  I won first canvas bag of books.   She won two bars of chocolate.  She gave me one and her friend Jillian.  She's always so giving.

I helped her hand out salads and sandwiches one day they were shorthanded by pushing the second trolley and the next day she had made a pkg of Godiva truffles for ME.

Exercised Wed.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


Self-medicating all my life.         Nicotine from dad, and anger from mom.                                             

Since all of us are chemical factories creating and ingesting chemicals to function, finding a way to synthesize a new internal drug is possible by manipulating emotions.                          

EMOTIONS are choices we make.  By choosing different emotions we can control our bodies.                                          

Drug addicts are attempting in an intuitive way to control their emotional bodies and the world around them.  Overeaters use food.  Whenever anyone has a crisis, get them a glass of H2O to change their internal chemistry.                                 

We have a NEW FRONTIER to explore and experiment like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.                          

Thursday, May 2, 2013

ADHD-scanning the environment,survival reflex**The search for My Passion**-Shawn Achor, Happiness Advantage

Attention deficit is a basic survival skill.  Prey animals constantly scan their surroundings for predators.  Terrorists.  In human beans ( on porpoise ), the lack of stimuli (perceived threat) sets up a resonance that causes a level of discomfort in nonaspergers individuals that seek chemical balance, resolution.

In other words, homo sapiens are so used to being in a state of stress and anxiety genetically and historically, behaviorally even, that if circumstances aren't stressful enough, we will create our own disaster.  Horror and disaster movies supply the adrenaline and cortisol fix since the brain/body reacts to what it witnesses. 

When I worked at Goodwill, one client who'd been repeatedly beaten and abused as a child, as an adult would throw himself down a flight of stairs or pick a fight he couldn't win if his life became too peaceful and calm.  The lack of discomfort (vacuum)was so painful to Robert that he needed to create physical pain to offset the lack of discomfort (fill the void with feeling), to feel alive.  Like cutting.

Abusers generally have been abused or even worse, witnessed severe abuse.  Children witnessing violence are powerless to stop the abuse and perhaps become abusers as self protection.

Aspergers feelings are not wired in a traditional way.  The genetic mutation allows aspies to decide how to respond if they've been raised with compassionIn my case, I learned to shut down all feeling to survive in my family.  So I was labeled stupid, unfeeling, cold, crazy, etc.

Happiness Solution.  I just spent 1/2 hr looking for the PBS guy with the research.  Couldn't find it.  But I shall.....Scott A.....?  5/3/13 9:50AM-took me less than a day-23 hrs to remember Shawn Achor, Happiness Advantage.

So New Behaviors need to be installed to old feelings.  I'm sure terrorists feel their lives threatened by change.  They lash out with no understanding of how their emotions/feelings are running their lives.

"Find your passion and the money will follow" is so basic.  A passion cannot be a job.  Passion is Life.  A Passion is a calling.  I don't know again; if that's why passionflower is so important to my chemical balance.

6*13*13  Passion-The Elements, Sir Dr Ken Robinson,  What was the cartoon about the Robinsons?

Friday, April 26, 2013

YES!!! The solution to Terrorism-Humane Humans

Reading Temple Grandin started me thinking about predator vs prey.  Aspies are subject to teasing-a 'mild' form of terrorism.  Children are usually uncivilized and must be taught to care for those weaker than themselves, to become unselfish, to respect others.

Oscar Hammerstein's lyrics from South Pacific's, We've Got to Be Taught.

Muslim, Jewish, Christians all learn the old testament.  The same message in different languages.  The same lessons.

Terrorists are raised to be junkyard dogs.  They traverse the world expecting to rule the junkyard like they were taught at home.  Old world, old testament;  thinking and behavior. When they behave as they've been raised, they are punished and can't understand that result when their upbringing has been mindless.  They haven't been encouraged to choose for themselves.  They've been punished for trying to think for themselves and live their own lives.  No wonder life is so cheap for them. 

They don't know what living is.  They are human doings not human beings.

Aspies are Prey.  Born neutral we are subject to terror.  Timothy Leary's circumplex.  By not being predators we become prey by default. 

I like to believe we have a choice and choose not to become an animal,  predator or prey.  I like to believe we choose to become humane humans.

Human beings are not dogs.  We can learn anew.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Hanging in here

Sitting in Mtn Vw library.  Whew!!  Did not know I could drive this far and manage. 

Spent the a m wondering what I'd be doing.  I went home, watched xwords and rested.  Decided on library and at first I thought of Sv but then the idea of Mtn Vw seemed doable.  So here I am.

Had to get away from witch hunt at Srs. I thought Lam liked G but no.  She told A that G is stealing spoons.  Stealing spoons.  When people are bombing and terrorizing the entire city of Boston the srs in sc are in an uproar over utensils. 

Well, susan be warned. 

Friday, March 22, 2013

Survived another one

Another tough time.  Dad's and X's bday anniversaries. 
I feel I've lived eons in this lifetime.  Reading Temple Grandin's life I feel sad I never had the knowledge and understanding she had.  Her mother cared enough to find help.  To help her find her way. 

I'm still searching.  Maybe that's my life's work.  To find me. 

And yet, in other ways I've been blessed.  Like,,,,, ok I can't think of any.  I'm glad I'm me.  I wouldn't want to live her life.  Yucky. 

The cmptr  room volunteer is sobbing into his keyboard.  I'm good , I don't have to fix him.  Thank you ,God for healing me from having to fix everything around me. 

My family trained me to attend to their every need.  Punished when I didn't,  sometimes punished when I did.  So I was behaviorally conditioned to fix everything around me to just feel comfortable. 

Obsessive behavior can be retrained.  Temple recircuited her behaviors, retrained, motivated herself to accomplish her goals.

Now, I just need to find out what my goals are.

I know I can.  Completing the puzzle of my life feels bigger than the one here at the Sr. Ctr.  and all the same principles apply, it only feels bigger.

That's the faith-mustard seed parable.  It only feels different.

I found pieces without thinking, just doing.  I need  not worry what to say and what to do. 

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Who knows?

Got frustrated trying to log onto internet.  Librarian was kind enough to show alternate way to using icons. 

Completely forgot I was going to try to pay ConCell online.  I'll be able to use cmptr srs 2moro .  But maybe I should try today.

Shoulds and oughts.  I release shoulding on myself.

Successfully did it!!

Monday, February 25, 2013

More and More

Okay, Finally figured out how to get to cal lifeline application.  The browser was incompatible w/ the program so I had to go to a different doorway to get to where I wanted to go.

Wow, I Just figured out how to change the color of this page.  AAAaawsomme!!!

I have no idea how I managed to underline that.

Worked in the yard an hour saturday, (now the space bar and comma are underlining like it's haunted) So sunday (it's spellcheck)  I went to church UU and  planned on more ydwk until I broke a h2o bottle in the kitchen and found sis's stole my mop. And I lost a lock washer from the sickle.  Tried to find it using magnet and nowhere to be found.  Disappeared.  Evaporated. 

Fixed my bed.  watched tv  rested.  Watched Oscars.  My tummy is borderline so I'm carefully doing.    

I'm disappointed.  The squiggly lines don't transfer to the final page.  And the background reverted to white so I fixed it.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Best super bowl ever

Went to Salvation Army church at 11am yesterday.  Decided to drop off donation at Parkmoor Savers and looked around.  Jesse gave me both a donation card and 20% off coupon.  So I looked around and realized I could have  continued on Almaden to the bigger one.  Since I'm free  I went to Almaden and drove thru Willow Glen.

Big change in me.  Used the coupon there where it did the most good.  And found half off there unlike Parkmoor.
I can create my version of perfection.