Friday, December 17, 2010

New Year-New Me

Tried to e-mail my dr. Too many hoops to jump through.  Still dealing with depression.  Now it's anxiety around travel.  We came to the mainland from Hawaii when I was four.  Overnight I lost all the people who were nice to me.  Lost in a strange land with relative strangers.  I've never had many memories.  I'm not sure if it's due to the traumatic childhood or aspergers or what.  I only know I'm hardwired to live now.  Survival mode.   So any upset sends me to fear and anxiety.  How I've managed to survive only God knows.

All I know is my life feels out of control, again.  Reading Reader's Digest and the many teen deaths due to prescription drugs I know I'm not alone in feeling anchorless and rudderless, adrift on a vast ocean.  I was lucky I didn't have access to drugs as a child.  I was amazed I survived my teen years.  I felt sure someone in my crazy family would kill me.  They threatened enough.  In the end they killed themselves.  Passive suicide according to my counselor. 

My favorite thing is still reading.  It removes me from my life into other worlds.  I need to work and contribute.  I suppose I'm ok without it.  I want to feel I matter.  I want to be of service to the world.

I think that's all anyone wants.  To be safe and to be valued.  Maybe that's the thing about world domination.  They don't feel safe.  Dictators continue to try to take over the world.  Pinky and the Brain.  An appropriate stage for world domination, cartoons.  All the pain in the world rises to the surface during the holidays.  So I'm not alone.  We're all feeling it.  The trick is not to create more.  And to remember this too shall pass.

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