this is my year

i have high hopes for 2022.  emotionally it's been tough.  i can finally relax.  takes practice.  new behaviors uses so much energy.  breaking down the old tracks and building new ones.

bowels unclenching

the body doesn't need to know to know.  vibrating with the environment i can follow what people name instinct.  without it we face extinction.  instinct or extinct.

i've lived most of my life terrorized by family and facsimiles.  this feeling is weird.  the absence of life threats.  only took 71 years to create a place of peace.  i sincerely (without wax) hope my autistic brethren have an easier time.  we are the future of mankind or face species extinction.  

there must be an unconscious knowing.  the 'species' series.  horror movies demonstrate inner fears.  people watch hoping to exorcise the fear while actually exercising the fear further reinforcing the chemical tracks.

autism is integration of reptile brain

only took 71 years to grow into my brain.   40 % of population still functioning from primitive brain.  those who won't see reality of viral situation.  hopefully they'll only infect and kill off each other solving over population and the resultant pollution, resources allocation, etc.  i recognize and assimilate the chemicals and thoughts.  i can change my thoughts and the resultant chemicals instead of the other way around.

i'm not used to feeling this calm, used to feel like the end of the world.  fear and alarm bells doom and death.  my family attacking me.  tough when those nearest and dearest trample me and my feelings.  

sunny vale library has so many autism books for kids.  since i never had family acceptance i can re raise myself.  

i don't know if i'm just solitary or freaked by my past terrible interactions with predatory people.  some animals are solitary some herders.

so much new

the new schedule for the next 2 weeks.  i don't know what i want to do.  i waited 'til 10 to dress and go to seniors.  then the internet chrome had notice of problems wouldn't connect.  late opening dining room i walked park stretched, my back quiet.  picked up lunch went to main so Darryl could look at.  Paul computer wizard couldn't reprogram said only city problem sunny vale fine.  ate lunch 1 pm in car, went in charged chrome, listened to healing, gamed, checked out pop up sale, bored at 3 i went to nob hill $5 moon day for half rack ribs 5 tamales.  home watched 'love boat', ate 2 ribs 3 tamales.  so good.  

i've had a cold so light i didn't know 'til constant sniffles today i first thought was allergies.  i've had sore spots in my mouth that lasted a few hours so i didn't realize they were cold related.  i ate herb no antihistamine and tried c worked.  so i've had the hint of a cold.  my immune system must be ramped up.

i added cleaner to softener and pressed light display.  warning flashing stopped.  installed 8/21 so warning a week before 4 month period.

i looked for an hour for pge bill to pay and finally remembered i paid last week.  i can hear them in my head 'oh,you'.

sunnyvale library

i returned cinemability, generation A, autism: a family's journey.  they get so much wrong.  accurate that each is unique.  like each snowflake is different.  infinite variety.  18 month brain body development connections expressing emotions last connection.  we feel them without being able to express them.  we can be trained cognitively purposefully.  hopefully without abuse.  gently.

water softener warning light flashing set off ptsd panic.  chemicals cascading through my body.  cortisol, adrenaline, etc.  mom and dad always had a meltdown rending and tearing at anyone around them.  my sisters were better at running and hiding while i was the deer caught in the headlights so i was constantly blamed for their unhappiness.  they never matured to deal with their feelings.  autistic or stunted emotional development.  what matters is me now.  

i took care of buying the cleaner expeditiously.  and i realized going to home depot with all the new things triggers my autism.  overload.  tilt.  

i'm more integrated, more me than i've ever been before.

we take in everything-WHEN WILL THEY WAKE UP!!!

common people learn to screen out what doesn't profit them.  i'm watching fighting on the tv at gym 2 while i dress and think what a waste of energy.  i'd rather see a contest of house building or something constructive.  even the movies people want to see things blown up destroyed.  people murdered as long as it's not them.  don't they realize that's all coming from primitive brain???  

people admire the skills that were important 2000 years ago.  all the "entertainment" and 'recreation' are admiring cave man skills.  fixing GLOBAL WARMING requires seeing that the commercial consumption is us consuming ourselves.  i see an ad for the global warming movie with star interviews and next a 'service' for more gift technology.  more waste than improving our lives.  does it add value?  gaah!!

now i see it

my fascination with what people look at and don't see.  i found a wells fargo visa card on the side walk.  i flagged down a mail man to take to the bank but not on his route.  then i remembered there might be one inside safe way so at the corner the owner came around the corner looking for it.  whew!! i know how panicked and depressed i would be.  

that's the gift: seeing.  most people selectively learn to screen out unimportant details.  autism has no screens.  everything is a danger.

i soaked in the hot tub at gym 2 and i'm hanging in sunny vale.  learning happiness.   

i'm feeling happily autistic.

the people in my life accept me just as i am.  even when mom wanted me to be someone else i just wanted to be me.  even when she repeatedly punished me i was glad to be me.  i'm the best me i can be.  

my virgin Uber ride was great.  my free medicare ride to care more Carlos picked me up 2:45 exactly.  i love being chauffeured.  so i was happy and well rested my blood pressure good, all my numbers better than last year.  this is the way to go for a yearly physical.  going home i waited in the office.  the first car called didn't show up.  i got home 5:15.

a d d or distraction

the ability to distract oneself from sadness, negativity or criticism has served me well.  also the ability to hyper focus.  two sides to the same coin.  not a disability but an unique ability surely.  home 1 pm 'gigi' the musical of a groomed courtesan who marries.  i don't understand how this is acceptable.  the old me found it entertaining the now me is horrified.                                                                                                                                                    totally relaxed while watching 'Poirot's the labors of Hercules' i experienced 2 body quakes the first so strong it almost bounced me out of the bed.  it came from my solar plexus.  not muscles discharging electricity like a twitch.  a sudden surge of energy.  nothing like an external linear surface twitch.  this lasted.  3 dimensional.  the opposite of a stabbing.  Agatha Christie depicts the ultimate predator without compassion or guilt.  like my sisters.  perfectly camouflaged to appear human.        

being autistic

i wonder.  i love figuring out how things work.  for the first time in my life i enjoy being.  i've lived my life trying to be someone average.  mom always telling me i wasn't good enough.  be like other people.  be a liar thief like other people.  be cruel and selfish.  

all social interactions can be defined by predator/prey.  predators pick on people thinking they're prey until the prey shoots someone.  the terrorists despots are deluded predators whose ultimate result is death and destruction.  they're not stupid just deluded.  

mom was my predator.  basically a coward.  she taught my sisters to be predators.  wolves in sheep clothing.  predators are good at camouflage.  

#me too--raping the earth

that's what global warming and covid, sars, ebola, bird flu, swine flu, etc. are all about.  the planet resents being raped.  

this break from the routine has been great for me.  i've always dreaded change before but i feel so me.  autism is like living in a movable cave.  

people choose trump the predator

i couldn't understand people trusting the lying molester.  voting for and defending him until i realized they want a predator to defend them insanely believing they won't be devoured.  so 40 % are subconsciously insane driven by genetic coding.  

my sisters treat me the way my parents taught them to treat me.  children mimic behavior of the most aggressive parent figure to optimize their chances of survival.  

it's all about respect

when we respect the planet and each other as citizens of the planet we can solve what we've done.

trudy

i told her to give herself points for showing up to exercise.  for actually working out and showering i awarded her 50, 000.  

when i first started at seniors just getting there was a mountainous task.  took me all day sometimes days to recover.  then showering and changing i had to rest between steps.  after 8 years bed ridden it's taken me 13 years to this point.  and i still want more.

shared my thoughts on magnetism gravity with me me.

gravity is magnetism on a huger denser scale.  instead of an outside source lining up ions the sheer volume of atoms lines up the ions.  when i first learned about magnets and compasses i took one of dad's iron nails, a piece of copper wire, a battery and made my first magnet.  i love the magic of it.  only seems like magic 'cause infinitesimal forces can't be seen by the eye.  can be measured as electromagnetic field. 

i feel special

i've been reading Louise Hay at night and diligently saying affirmations, exercises and i feel happier.  not simple or easy being raised by average predators.                                        until i update nothing shows up on blog.  i still don't know why blog malfunctions.  oh, well.  it may fix itself.  not crucial.  suppose obsessive behavior is on the same dna strand across the board.  sequencing would explain a lot of human behavior throughout history and the repetitive behavior of despots.  which means genetic modification is the key to peace on the planet.                                                                                                                               i could never understand the need to lie, cheat and the ego induced need for one up man ship.  every dictator ends up the same way so by definition every dictator is insane.  and when people lie they generate bad chemicals in their bodies.  like cancer is unresolved anger.  the answer to good health is forgiveness.                                                                              my back must be unresolved lack of support.  i want to be stronger than i've ever been.  and dysfunctional codependent that i am i always helped the the family and they never helped me.  my pattern is being changed by my pandemic isolation.  i'm focusing on me.                                                     

according to "fiddler miracle of miracles" doc

my parents loved me the best they could.  when i left home was because at 18 they for once and only tried to raise me.  too late.  and when i went back because my 'sisters' refused to help my sick parents.  i became an only child at 39.  

i don't know how average i am.  i just don't know.  i do know we feel things without filters.  we feel intuitively.  we are like chicks just out of the egg.  they expect us to respond like average but we are new and different.  

Yuval Noah Harari writes and speaks about a new people.  we're it.  our specific umbrella mutation has been murdered, stuck in attics, chained in basements traditionally.  for the first time in human history we're allowed to live and contribute.   

Christ had it right we are the least capable of surviving on our own and how the world treats us determines the course of the survival of mankind.

survival mode

i wonder where the lost letters go.  i type and sometimes they just don't register.  

i'm still reprogramming old habits learning to take my time.  the chemical pathways have to be neutralized and new chemistry laid over neural networks.  

last part to connect is sensors

i feel things others don't.  i can tell when i need more vitamin c.  i gave toke a small bottle of oxygen water.  she didn't want to take it but i insisted she try it.  she was feeling tired.  i drank one this morning my body craving it.  it makes me feel so much better.  and i think it tastes delicious.  silky in my mouth.  i can't describe it exactly accurately.  maybe i need it to heal faster.  

i'm more sensitive to what's going on in my body.  the nausea masks pinched hip nerves.  when i eat fruit drops nausea goes away and i can feel pinch in stomach.

talking to Cody about magnets it occurs to me gravity and magnetism are obviously the same.  the denser more massive an object the electrons become discrete like in a laser.  a gravitational field is an electromagnetic field.  light is scattered electrons.  lasers are discrete electrons traveling in one direction.  

body quakes

injury shock waves emanate from an impact point outward traveling to every part of the body so damage can be felt anywhere.  the energy from impact radiates to dissipate which means healing starts from the farthest extremities moving in toward the impact point.  which is why it's taking so long to heal cell by cell.

i'm uniquely able to chronicle this healing experience.

last night chimerism on jeopardy

this universe is so amazingly diverse.  he said 1 out of 8 but i don't think so.  

my arthritis and allergies are probably a genetic predisposition linked to autism.  muscle stiffness.  i'm growing into my brain.  

my clumsiness is definitely autism.  my right neck is tight almost to the point of a headache and my skull being sore qualifies as a headache.

i wonder

about everything.  i caught another thief stealing avocados in my yard.  for 20 years people have used my yard like the squirrels and raccoons.  they make excuses for themselves not doing anything in return.  they could have offered to help with the yard work.  they act like animals.  i don't expect animals to know better or do better but all those people acting like animals continues to shock me.  

i think it's another function of autism.  everything constantly fresh and new.

i finally finished the letter to auntie and included a pocket magnifier for her failing eyesight.  i hope she's taking eye vitamins.  i'm taking supplements and chocolate quick milk.    

we have raw emotions

that don't present in an obvious fashion.  mostly internally.  watch our eyes.  but then no one thinks to ask and usually without a reference point we can't describe what and how we feel.  today i feel like butterflies.  part of me in a cocoon and part of me fluttering.  so many of my idiosyncrasies are autism related.  i relate to the world as a part of the whole.  less ego.  the masses relate to strong egos.  Hitler and trump.  the pack leader mentality.  that's why a beaten Germany followed Hitler.  weak fear based egos looking for reassuring strength.  Adolph made them feel safe by telling them what they wanted to hear.  same as Donald.  it has nothing to do with the message.  it's the delivery.  Jim Jones town massacre.  Waco, Texas.  over and over.

our brain connections develop in a different time schedule.  i think that's why left to our own devices with minimum interference coercion we eventually sync up with civilization.  at least that's what i've noticed studying different cases and reading autobiographies.  Asperger's autism is evolutionary mutation searching for the next form of human kind.  being able to freshly see without prejudice.  

we're energy sensitive.  prey animals have heightened receptors or get eaten.  we survive by trying to stay invisible.  probably why human prey have poor social skills and personal hygiene issues to avoid contact with predators.  to discourage interacting.  to appear less attractive.  to fade into the woodwork.  i think most homeless people and pioneers fit into the bill.  there used to be new worlds, places to go to carve out a niche for misfits.  the innovators, explorers.

that explains the space race.  i couldn't understand spending billions not on hunger, disease, suffering.  seemed misplaced.  that fear of killing the earth and having no where to go.  and the majority are intent on destroying the planet.  at least 60%.

homeless encampments are other thinking people.  'the nomad life.  i no mad at you.  you no mad at me.'  swami beyond ananda.  they're not into acquiring and owning.  they know life is temporary.  they know the planet is on loan.  the american indians know the earth belongs to the children and adults are stewards.  

autisitic

i sometimes wonder what it's like to be common.  that passes pretty quickly.  most people claim to be happy.  i don't understand why.  

i'm figuring it out-as

hearing is crucial as a prey animal also why my face is so ticklish and sensitive.  so autistic's hyper sensitive.  probably my sense of smell too.  and burning eyes.  

so some of my characteristics are normal for autism.  i'm feeling tired.  i soaked in hot tub, stretched, cooled down pool.  if i had access to daily hot cold my back would be better faster.  

watching celebrity wheel of fortune:  to the moon with reese witherspoon, ryan reynolds wrap.  i do love puzzles.  

happiness is letting go

the appearance has nothing to do with happiness.  happiness is a feeling.  a result or consciously generated.  i have a choice of how and what i feel.

that's what addiction is all about.  controlling feeling from an external source.  because it's external it doesn't work long term.  the body circumvents the false by adapting.

i'm finding it harder to participate

i care less about doing.  i'm enjoying just being.  i'm tired of conforming to 'normal' not nice behavior.  i was constantly punished for being christian by my family.  they treated me like a slave.  mom said it was to toughen me up but i'm tough enough.  i survived the wolf pack.  i just couldn't believe what she didn't believe.  i could see in her eyes.  when people lie it's self damage.  they manufacture chemicals that generate disease.  high blood pressure, diabetes, heart dis-ease.  the same thing.

my pre diabetes trying to resolve the lies i try so hard to believe.  maybe accept better word.

dreamed of my sisters as dogs.

one a calm german shepherd one a rabid mongrel.  they take turns.  i think the family tradition of alcohol and suicide come from the grandparents poverty as immigrants imported to work the sugar cane and pineapple fields 1900's.  mom and dad went through a lot.  third generation too.  

being out of body is tough

all those years numbed by abuse everything hurts now.  i'm not clumsy, i'm out of balance.  that's the pain too.  mom called me stupid, dumbo.  i had big ears and the memory of an elephant.  i think it's aspergers.  i remember in blocks like a picture book but then sometimes i get 'messages' that seem to have no connection until reality catches up.  like the things i save that fit perfectly into my life years after i save them.  usually 10 years.  the little crystal lotus fits perfectly into the larger crystal votive holder.  and last night i realized my  pink marble dream house is a bagua.

everyone has something

makes us unique.  i'm feeling sad and depressed not unique.  i watched academy awards last night.  it's been awhile since i wanted to but the conviction of chauvin gave me some hope.  but there were no native americans.   not everyone was represented.  and more will be revealed.

the end of universal aspergers

i finally got my shot 4/11 sun day and it was.  fry day i managed an appointment through lucky's in san lorenzo cancelled and fremont came up.  wasn't available 'til i cancelled.  drove around newark to my heart's content exorcised ghosts.  after living there 13 years it hadn't changed much since '85.  

the pack is getting back to it's disrespectful mindless ways.  i'm glad i never had kids.  it would be too cruel to thinking feeling people.  maybe another 50 years we'll be part of the planet.  people now war with the planet as if we could live on mars.  

another day

i did ok now i'm in the trough from the crest.  i'm waiting for holds to become available.  and my back to stabilize.  my neck stopped hurting.  'secret of moon acre available.'

i keep expecting to feel great everyday and i'm told that's unrealistic.  maybe.  we'll see.  i should be able to shift the sine wave to climb at a 45 degree angle.  

auntie commented on my positivity.  i work every day very hard at it.  being my own cheerleader.  i had to if i wanted to survive my family of wolves.  making me the scapegoat made me human.  self esteem generates nurturing chemicals.  hypnosis is the conscious choosing of thoughts.  a shortcut to rewiring and self control.  i'm so glad i knew josie hadley.

i finally decided how to cut the bandana fabric.  i can make 2 oversize 1 shawl red scarves, 1 black oversize 1 shawl.  i may edge them in white.    

i'm feeling pretty good

if i can keep from re injuring myself i'm golden.  i'm glad to finally be connected to myself.  the excruciating back injury forced me to learn way more than i preferred about staying in body.  

just occurred to me diabetes is strictly a modern disease.  we limit ourselves to eating 3 big meals a day when our bodies evolved with grazing all day.  we don't eat when we're hungry, we eat by a clock.

like gout=arthritis from eating rich foods that used to be difficult to acquire.  i know refined sugar hurts my back but the wiring in my body finds sugar so comforting during stress.and everything in the modern world is stress controlled.  the best way to rule people is to make them fearful and offer a solution.

now i'm wondering if that's why the british monarchy were threatened by diana.  she may have been sacrificed because she came from love not fear.  and meghan if not for harry would have gone the same way.  

my aspergers

standing me in good stead.  the street sweeper came 8:45 am across street.  i went out to move car with  windows covered in dew i used water to wash down.  4 bottles i brought in swapped for 4 full.  it's good to be farsighted foresight even by simple o c behavior not a disorder.  

frequently i do things not being conscious why until it saves me.  tygj.

so frustrating.  i got 3 e mails usps acknowledging my claim, investigating my claim, saying it's resolved when i still haven't received my irs letter.  i am not resolved.

email preview sat mar 6, 7:48 am, us dept treasury, bureau fiscal service, philadelphia, pennsylvania, p o box 51320, 19115-6320.  through the envelope window in the picture check from kansas city, mo.

another experiment-nuclear reactors

i find i can 'search and win' blogger and store it in chrome icon while front page search becomes a tab.  i wonder why the different format for searches?  i think aspergers drives me to curiosity.  i am driven to questions and answers.  an unquenchable thirst for knowledge.  new information.  

i love trying new food things.  i'm eating quinoa.  and the amaranth i've had in the fridge 6 years.  not new habits.  the old tried and true is comfortable.  new phones are hard.  learning new technology is horrible.  i feel like the world is ending.  

i put in lost mail request.  i paid bills.  ugh.  

i watched 'true detective' last night this morning.  thinking about evil.  thinking backwards.  evil-live.  people avoid personal responsibility by focusing on external talismans like god-dog and the devil-lived.  

our bodies are nuclear reactors fission and fusion all day long.  we are part of the energy of the universe.  the microcosm of the macrocosm.  people want to blame the devil for their darkness.  we all have dark parts.  it comes with being born.  that's what prejudice is all about.  projecting that inner darkness onto others. 

i almost was hit by entitled blond 30 something white woman backing out of parking space behind library.  then after we park in front she looks at me like it was my fault and proceeds to drop off her books for them to deposit without mask.  and they agree to grovel.  i can't even get out of my car without mask or be lectured scolded.  such a broken world.  

i almost lost the best bit when i tried to space enter and it disappeared.  i started trying upper icons and got it back.  whew!!

i feel totally connected

my social security took a month to straighten out.  totally my fault assuming my account number for direct deposit.  

for the first time in my life i feel i'm living my life.  i've always felt separated even from myself.  out of body.  back pain made me very conscious.  

autism is a developmental hodge podge of connections.  all the parts are the same but the connections are made on a different timeline.  autism people will always remain young.

autism is a blessing.

i'm glad to be me.  autism is happiness in little mundane things.  i planted my sterling silver rose cutting in the avocado pot.  makes me happy.  leaves are covered in scale.  i can fix that.  a little hand soap.  and i can fix the shampoo bottle too.  today's a beautiful day.  a goldilocks day.  

la-la-la

i'm feeling good despite my neck and jaw screaming.   stretching my neck is better.  i feel it's hurting differently.  

i got up watched sunday morning and cooked asparagus omelette with rice and meatloaf.  took half hour.  i read 'what are you' waiting for cesar 911.  dressed went to dollar store finally remembering bottle top i wanted to replace.  @ senior park i stretched.  internet lasted 2 hours i drove around ended @ main.  played my sweeps remembered i wanted lucky's 2 for 1 frozen fish.  i debated which one and decided home.  got my fish and walked around big lots found brag amino $4.

home i preheated oven.  i foiled the pans and cooked the entire bag.  i ate some with rice and meatloaf.  i love breaded fish.  it's like it comes in its own wrapper.  i'll have the rest for breakfast and dinner lettuce wraps.

what a great day!  

cartoons.

i can use all the art supplies for my stories.  i can do cartoons.  all those ever sharp mechanical pencils i never used will come in handy.  never knew where they came from.  god i guess.

i love it when what i'm doing suddenly makes sense.  my mom used to accuse me of how i knew when i really didn't.  i just bumble along.  now the barn bee makes sense too.  bored holes in dad's front house add on.

free association.  personal brain storming.  my autistic brain naturally defaults to free.  

toasted senior sandwich added pickled onions, lettuce,mustard.  went to busy dollar store then senior park late.  spotty internet reception on to main 'til 5.  put everything away.  

i cooked linguine sesame oil seeds amino, meatloaf and salad.  called cathy thanked her for her mom's memorial.  nice chat.  paid disc.  sorted plastic bags, thought about yard, read and watched 'columbo'.  

fun day.  i think i like being retired.

hurrah!!

took half hour fiddling to melt frozen blog.  i'm listening to stress free and finally found auto play off.  i should be able to replay without resetting every time.  i've listened to various and sundry.

i feel better.  letter from soc sec saying everything straightened out.  and over total gross income 25 k is taxed.  maybe cal pers withholding will cover.  

it's so fresh going when i feel like it.  i stopped dollar store forgot noodles.  drove looking for internet connection.  stretched first before computing.  loaded free guru caffeine drink, double points lucky's.  played games, sweeps, wheel.  11 am signal cut out i picked up lunch weekend food.  main i checked safe way just for you.  not hungry from patriot soup breakfast.  drove picked up drink clearance val choc $1, $2 fresh fruit cup.  played my games, sweeps.  2:30 my hips were hurting feeling nausea i went walked store bought meatloaf.  home 3 pm for 'love boat' ate 2 pieces meatloaf settled my stomach.  i made noodles in my bed, bath and beyond 'pasta and more'.  cooked asparagus with sesame oil seeds parmesan.  so good, delicious, satisfying.  my tummy so happy.

specific tools

Dr. Breuning spells out specific strategies for remodeling brain chemistry no longer a mystery.  unlike the internet connection.  i'm slowly and surely putting together further evolution.  Beatles sang of revolution but they were slightly off target.  

day 2 of walk up lunch.  i'm parked in shade.  did my stretches kid side.  more variety.  one of the ways to change brain chemicals to happy.  internet disconnected 11 divine order i picked up lunch, still no connection i went laundry to wash and wi-fi.  lovely.  ate in car computed.  2 pm went home, hung clothes, filled water bottles.  decided to try patriot dried meal.  poured into measured jar used half=2 cups.  stomach ache from soup or overstretching.  ginger candy better.

can't publish.  huh.

autism the best

distraction from unhappy chem my biggest asset.  evolution determined happy chem=survival.  i've been punished my entire life for being who/what i am.  i'm great.  i can't hold a grudge.  i'm incapable.  tee hee.

unhappy=death.  chemicals humans named happy because of the feeling.  emotion is always the over riding decision maker.  people prefer to believe their decisions are based on intelligence and logic but they aren't.

the autistic don't base their decisions on emotion.  most of us observe our feelings in a semi detached fashion.  we feel them and observe them without understanding or control.

addicts want the happy feeling without the let down and our bodies are biologically programmed for let down to survive.  like a lab monkey choosing orgasm over food and drink may die happy but dies.   addicts know their addiction is lethal and feel powerless to intervene.  we're just being normal.  our bodies evolved for survival in a primitive world.  primitive=prime=first=original world.  

autism is a jump in evolution.  while my ex and his friends indulged in cocaine like good little normal monkeys i was abhorred.  being one step removed from my feelings i had no desire to fit in and partake.  i had no need.  sex and alcohol were sufficient.  i was happy not being hit or abused.  and as an adult i decided i'd never tolerate abuse again.  i'm work in progress not perfection.

i have 3 blogs back

my research into brain chemistry explains all human behavior.  be and have.  behave.  if the celebrities who self destructed had the information they might still be alive.  joplin, hendrix, pryor.  even the ones who miraculously lived to die of cancer harrison, preston could have benefited from understanding how their brains work.

it's so simple it's scary.  searching for the next fix.  we're all addicted to life.  

when i researched co-dependency it didn't go into chemistry only behaviors.  it didn't take into account the chemistry.  the underlying motivation for survival.  we learn by experience and then seek what we know.  new experiences cause fear because there's no history, no myelin tracks in our brain/body to reassure us.  studying the brain chemistry is everything.  

finding loretta breuning while internet surfing just another miracle.  being autistic i followed the 'course in miracles' for 365 days and nights not understanding my autism was driving me.  researching autism and brain chemistry.  

my autistic self

i've been through a lot.  i finally got confirmation for my shattered back through dr massih x rays.  i'm still processing.  

lots of changes.  covid vaccines soon.  internet went down.  i quickly for me recovered settings.  found out s v p down unsafe and c s c coverage expanded to seniors. 

neck and back stretch helping circulation in eyes, head, neck.  i'm using the subliminal to alter my chemicals.   

i got card re costco membership renewal i called this am.  i still need to call rehab, mri, taxes, prop taxes.  i'm doing life at my pace.

i have to embrace the dark parts of myself to be fully human.  autism is simply a different development schedule.  all the parts are there but like unused muscles.  development is based on survival needs.  chemicals are the basis for all life, the quantity and quality.