FAMILIAR ANXIETY

THE OLD FAMILY ANXIETY RE:  DAD'S MISERABLE DEATH. 

ALL AUGUST WAS HELL DUE TO AA IN 1999.  NOW THAT I'M PHYSICALLY ABLE TO PROCESS THE EXPERIENCE I CAN FEEL ALL THE EMOTIONAL BODY ISSUES.  THE SADNESS, DEPRESSION, FEAR, INEVITABILITY.  SLEEPLESSNESS, I'M SLEEPING LIKE A BABY, WAKING EVERY TWO HOURS.  AND FEELING EXHAUSTED.  DAD WAKING ME UP 2-3 AM FOR WEEKS AND STILL HAVING TO GO TO WORK.  TAKING HIM TO EMERGENCY.  MOM HAD ALL DAY TO SLEEP WHEN HE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL.  AND THE WICKED SISTERS LYING TO HER.  SO THEY COULD DISAPPOINT HER AGAIN.

AND THE FINAL WEEK, HIS BEGGING ME AND MOM TO KILL HIM.  THE CRYING FOR VICODIN.  AND STILL THE UNWILLINGNESS TO HELP US HELP HIM. 

HE DIED AS HE LIVED. 

NAMING

AS OPPOSED TO SHAMING. 

THIS FALL A NEW PROGRAM OF AN AUTISTIC DOCTOR.

HOW MANY WILL BE REVEALED?

unlimited

YESTERDAY STARTED OK.  I WENT AND DID LAUNDRY@SCOTT.  I WAS GOING TO SRS AND THE LEFT FRONT TIRE WAS FLAT.  I KNOW IT WAS PRECIPITATED BY THE ROADWORK AT MONROE(X)KIELY.

I CALLED CSAA AND WAITED OVER AN HOUR.  I DRYED THE CLOTHES.  I EMPTIED THE TRUNK AND GOT EVERYTHING READY.  KEN CHANGED IT, I ASKED HOW LONG I COULD DRIVE ON THE DOUGHNUT AND HE SAID JUST NO FREEWAY.

SO I WAS GOING TO WAIT TO GET NEW TIRES, I NEED TWO ANYWAY, AND THE DOUGHNUT MADE SO MUCH NOISE I CALLED AM. TIRES AND WENT IN.

I WENT HOME 4PM AND ATE DINNER.  THEN I READ AND WATCHED JEO+WHEEL.  I WENT TO THE MLIB 80'S BASH, ATE ICE CREAM SANDWICH AND PIZZA, POTATO CHIPS.  KARAOKE, PICTURES, FUN TOYS.  UNTIL 9:45.

HOME AND BED.

THE CAR IS STILL FULL FROM THE TRUNK JUNK.

WEIRD WEATHER

IT MUST BE THE EFFECTS OF THE ECLIPSE ON 21.  I KEEP STRESSING ABOUT RAIN AND THE LEAKY SKYLIGHT.

IT'S JUST INCREDIBLY HUMID.

LOVELY COOL-TYGJ

TODAY.  I WENT TO BFAST W/TD AT MISSION CITY GRILL.  CRAB, AVOCADO OMELET W/ FRUIT I TRADED FOR HASH BRNS, RYE TOAST.  ALL THE FRUIT I LIKED D DIDN'T AND THE FRUIT SHE LIKED I DIDN'T.  HOW PERFECT IS THAT?  VERY. 

I OFFERED HIM THE K AND HE ACCEPTED.  I CALLED AND LEFT THE #SCOTT. 

I'M STILL PROCESSING STUFF.

I'M FEELING SO TIRED.  WORKING HARD. 

gifts

THE DAY, TAKING MY TIME, RELATIVE HEALTH.

ECLIPSE?22nd

I'M ALL ANXIOUS.  STARTED LAST NIGHT.  I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S THE WEATHER, IT'S OVERCAST 30% RAIN.  AND LAST NIGHT I GOT ALL DEPRESSED OVER THE SKYLIGHT LEAKING.  I WAS THINKING OF PAYING T $1K TO HANDLE IT FOR ME.

I'M FEELING ALL INCAPABLE, INCOMPETENT JUST LIKE CHILDHOOD. 

THEY TORTURED ME INTO GIVING UP MY CHILDHOOD.  THEY CAUSED MY DISCONNECTING FROM MYSELF TO SURVIVE. 

ALL I DID WAS DISPLAY TYPICAL ASPERGERS BEHAVIORS.

THEY COULDN'T LET ME BE MY WEIRD, MAGICAL SELF.  THEY CALLED IT LUCK AND TORTURED ME FOR IT.

BLINDNESS

IS SELECTIVE AND LEARNED. 

WE'RE TRAINED TO FIT INTO OUR FAMILIES.  WE LEARN TO ADAPT AND ADJUST JUST TO STAY ALIVE.  EVERY CHILD WANTS; NEEDS LOVE TO DEVELOP.  AND WE LEARN TO MANIPULATE OURSELVES.  PUSHING OUR OWN BUTTONS.  TRYING TO FIT INTO THE FAMILIES WE'RE GIVEN.