Survived another one

Another tough time.  Dad's and X's bday anniversaries. 
I feel I've lived eons in this lifetime.  Reading Temple Grandin's life I feel sad I never had the knowledge and understanding she had.  Her mother cared enough to find help.  To help her find her way. 

I'm still searching.  Maybe that's my life's work.  To find me. 

And yet, in other ways I've been blessed.  Like,,,,, ok I can't think of any.  I'm glad I'm me.  I wouldn't want to live her life.  Yucky. 

The cmptr  room volunteer is sobbing into his keyboard.  I'm good , I don't have to fix him.  Thank you ,God for healing me from having to fix everything around me. 

My family trained me to attend to their every need.  Punished when I didn't,  sometimes punished when I did.  So I was behaviorally conditioned to fix everything around me to just feel comfortable. 

Obsessive behavior can be retrained.  Temple recircuited her behaviors, retrained, motivated herself to accomplish her goals.

Now, I just need to find out what my goals are.

I know I can.  Completing the puzzle of my life feels bigger than the one here at the Sr. Ctr.  and all the same principles apply, it only feels bigger.

That's the faith-mustard seed parable.  It only feels different.

I found pieces without thinking, just doing.  I need  not worry what to say and what to do. 

Who knows?

Got frustrated trying to log onto internet.  Librarian was kind enough to show alternate way to using icons. 


Completely forgot I was going to try to pay ConCell online.  I'll be able to use cmptr srs 2moro .  But maybe I should try today.

Shoulds and oughts.  I release shoulding on myself.

Successfully did it!!

More and More

Okay, Finally figured out how to get to cal lifeline application.  The browser was incompatible w/ the program so I had to go to a different doorway to get to where I wanted to go.

Wow, I Just figured out how to change the color of this page.  AAAaawsomme!!!

I have no idea how I managed to underline that.

Worked in the yard an hour saturday, (now the space bar and comma are underlining like it's haunted) So sunday (it's spellcheck)  I went to church UU and  planned on more ydwk until I broke a h2o bottle in the kitchen and found sis's stole my mop. And I lost a lock washer from the sickle.  Tried to find it using magnet and nowhere to be found.  Disappeared.  Evaporated. 

Fixed my bed.  watched tv  rested.  Watched Oscars.  My tummy is borderline so I'm carefully doing.    

I'm disappointed.  The squiggly lines don't transfer to the final page.  And the background reverted to white so I fixed it.

Best super bowl ever

Went to Salvation Army church at 11am yesterday.  Decided to drop off donation at Parkmoor Savers and looked around.  Jesse gave me both a donation card and 20% off coupon.  So I looked around and realized I could have  continued on Almaden to the bigger one.  Since I'm free  I went to Almaden and drove thru Willow Glen.



Big change in me.  Used the coupon there where it did the most good.  And found half off there unlike Parkmoor.
I can create my version of perfection.

TWO YEARS!!! 11*16**12

I'm amazed I've been coming here (Sr Ctr) for two years.  My back is sooo much better.  My digestion is better.  I'm sometimes happy.  I'm reconnected to my body.  I mistakenly thought I was an airhead.  I was just on abuse overload.  To protect my sanity I learned to disconnect from the abuse.  So I spent most of my life in a cocoon and while my "family" existed I couldn't come out and survive.

For the first time in my life I have people who care about ME.  Not how they can use me.  Not treating me like a servant.  How much and what they can get out of me.


Took me 60 years and this back injury to see the fact that when some people give you things it's because they already have a plan of what they want to take from you.  Not get, take.



My senior friends appreciate me.  Doing what they can for me because they like me and themselves.  No strings.  They know the universe functions perfectly.


Do remember, not everyone here is my friend.

Happiest university

 I hope for a place humankind can learn new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving.                    

 Creating a new world from within.                  

Not easy or comfortable but so worth working and playing towards.               

Lost the original date I thought of it.   

I guess I'll continue learnin how to manuever this and then they'll change it.   

IF ONLY---Did I choose this??

 It occured to me this a.m. that according to E. Cayce this life may be my one in seven.  The difficult    work lifetime. 

 That this life may be difficult because I set it up this way.   Even writing this blog, it's doing weird things.  And so it goes.  

 I'm experimenting with getting the background stable and I have know idea how I did it but it's blipping up and down.  

 I was watching a crime show.  Don't remember what but the writer on her blog hid messages by writing white on white.  Interesting concept.  Also, I read in the news that relatives of dead people are trying to have evidence of the deceased removed from the internet.  Why??   

Human (animal?) behavior confuses me.  How much of peoplekind is animal and how much divine and how to tell.

 Since aspergers is a brain mutation I believe it's an evolutionary step in solving the animal problems of greed, violence towards others, cruelty of all kinds. 

Aspergers people have an unusual level and manifestation of empathy for all living beings.  Temple Grandin being a clear example. 

 Her work has created safer beef products by eliminating the cruelty of slaughter and the toxins created and ingested by fear permeated meat. 

Playing with all the doodads at the top of this page.  Guess I'm done for now.           

Ooh, yes.  I forgot to change my yard boots and wore them to the Sr. Ctr.  so I'm wearing my shower sandals today.  Another lesson in forgiving myself.  My mom and A would have crucified me and never let me live it down.  No peace for Susan in their world.      

And I suppose they knew that.