Strength and courage

If only I knew what I was doing I'd do it better?  Been away from the Sr. Ctr. for two months.  I've unlocked cellular memories of toddler neglect and abuse.  That's why I was wanted for adoption.  "Mom and Dad" obviously used me to manipulate others and to feel powerful by torturing me.  When Mom was pregnant with Mit she had to leave Hawaii to maintain her power over me.  With three kids the pressure to adopt me out would be even more. That's the "poor Susan"  over and over.  They all knew I was being abused and there were no laws back then.  Such monsters!  Even with laws the shame precluded anything being done.  Mom gave me to Ailing to shame Baban just as Ailing tortured Mom by abusing and corrupting her own kids. 

Sooo glad I didn't have kids to perpetuate the pain.  The pain ends with me.  I refuse to add more pain to the world.  The dysfunctional tradition of lessen the pain by spreading it around.  Thanks for sharing.

Tested overeating.  Very difficult job.  Gave me digestive problems.  Poops every time I ate.  Night sweats.  Fat becomes an organ with its own hormone secretions.  I can't figure how 500lb. is tolerated.  They have to be in such tremendous emotional pain to not acknowledge or over-ride the physical discomfort.  I have a new respect for the obese.  It takes a lot of work.  Fat people cannot be lazy and maintain the weight.

I can heal myself.  I have all the tools.  Do I have the strength and courage?  I can turn it over to God/Spirit.  That which resides in me as me.  Can I remember?  Recall the perfect child of God that was to be adopted, nurtured and protected but because of the cruelty and jealousy of my birth parents I was neglected and tortured.

Self-hypnosis, deep breathing to the point of hyperventilating.  I need to remain detached in a light trance.  ha-ha my childhood.  How I survived.

With God all things are possible and inevitable.

round and round

Trying to get into this account is just that.  Trying.  Had to go through the whole reset, check email.  Wasn't planning on writing anything.  Life is in maintenance mode.   Finally remembered what I  wanted to look up and did successfully, tried to access blogger and was brought back down to earth.  I release my resistance to the almighty internet.  Wow!! I  do have authority issues.  Anything that's worshiped whether it be S&P, or the boss, or even God I have questions.  The mucky-mucks and the economy are so full of air.  Puffed up with nothing tangible. 

More later.

Sat. 5-7-11.It's later.  Still tricking myself with all this internet hocus pocus.  Kids and the kidlike have a delusion that because they can manage the internet it's some sort of talent.  I don't think so.  It's just another hoop to jump through.  Another club to join to feel SPECIAL.

We already are special.  Even identical twins are unique. 

Tricks part 2

I just realized I can embellish on this page.  I've been trying to underline and couldn't figure out how.  A whole new bag of tricks.  And I've noticed how to go from different folders by clicking the tab.  I can go back and forth. 

Being the Lone Ranger has its benefits.  The peace, quiet, and ability to focus on me.  I've spent my life in fear waiting to be punished by my family.  They died and left me the peace that passes all understanding.  I can live with that. 

Spent hours looking for an adult aspergers site.  I guess I'll have to try facebook or youtube.

WOW! Playing tricks on myself

So this April's Fools I left the ignition in my car on and my battery was completely drained.  CSAA was there and I was on my way 1/2 hr later. 
I wonder if other people play tricks on themselves?  I would guess so.  Or the planet would be better organized...

Got my taxes done.  Another task accomplished.  Life is a series of jobs to me.  I never had a childhood of just living. I was blamed and made responsible my entire childhood.   My life has always been work.  My job as a child was to survive.  I can't understand people who don't take care of business first.  And I know lots of people. 

The Healing Circle was another Unpaid Servant Job.  Not a volunteer.  Volunteers are treated with respect.  I couldn't understand Rick's not speaking up for me when I started using invocation/benediction, bells, candles, using tennis ball to ease tightness in feet, delivering new release dvds, etc. Always being ever so helpful and never being included in "family" dinners and dismissed like a servant when doing him favors.  This morning in the shower I realized Anjie's treating me as a servant came from Rick's cues.  No wonder he never spoke to her about her behavior.  She might have improved her life and he doesn't want that.  Art Martin was right.  His back IS the manifestation of his thinking. 

Thank God for Anjie pointing the way or I'd still be dissed.

I let go of my limits and accept Direction.

Life is scary enough for me

I have no idea where the cursor goes when I press tab.

Last week I thought I lost my wallet at the mall.  Major adrenaline rush thinking what and who I needed to call first to cancel my cards, my license, etc.  Why do people find the need for white water rafting?  Skydiving?  You want an adrenaline rush?  Play identity roulette.  Throw your id out there and wait.  That's something that doesn't endanger anyone else.  Lots of kids and retarded adults risk other's safety when they take chances.  Drunk driving, mountain climbing. 

We become habituated to certain chemical levels in out bodies and when levels fall we seek to up the dose.   Any form of addiction is the body calling to balance the levels, maintain the status quo.  Change always feels uncomfortable and possibly painful. 

Doing great things=changing any habit.

So I prayed=aligned my thoughts and emotions and found my wallet wedged between the passenger seat and door.  Prayer is integrating feelings and desires.  Two different things.  Think about it.

confusion rains(reigns,reins)-not seeing the scary bits

Note:  As children we practice not seeing the scary bits and focusing on the fun bits to avoid punishment for speaking the truth, so of course as adults we continue.  Maturing requires us to change ourselves or  remain in an internal immature condition.  Enslaved by the habits and behaviors learned in childhood.

The problem with the slow development on the planet is due to the appearance of physical maturation without the underlying actual emotional maturity.  This period of time is unusual in the number of people having leisure time.  More people are able to survive without living, hence the frustration and unhappiness.

Emotional maturity is the evolution of the reptile/survival, emtional brain.

This month has been a cold rainy one.  And I've focused on fixing crocheted tanks and making teriyaki jerky, all the projects I've wanted to do.  I'm practicing shielding and channeling.  My back is soo much better.  I'm better able to do and accomplish.  I'm just practicing the moment and hearing and obeying.


Getting into this blog is always a challenge.  I don't understand people climbing mountains or kayaking while everday has challenges.  Maybe they don't see it or choose to ignore it as too mundane.  It's enough for me.

Next I'll start my garden.  I've been weeding a bit at a time.  The winter sun is so intense.  I have garlic and bulbs to plant.  Maybe some sweetpeas?

proper alignment in all things

I couldn't remember how to get into this blog.  I find I have my memory more in my body than my head.  I think my mind is the sum total of all the brain/nerve cells in my body.  This is the first time I've tried to access my blog physically.  I've thought about it and couldn't remember how to do it so I hadn't tried. 

When I hurt my back I realized how important proper alignment is.  Everything I want to be and do only takes the proper alignment and it will come to me driven by the energy of the universe.  I just focus on the proper alignment.