we have raw emotions

that don't present in an obvious fashion.  mostly internally.  watch our eyes.  but then no one thinks to ask and usually without a reference point we can't describe what and how we feel.  today i feel like butterflies.  part of me in a cocoon and part of me fluttering.  so many of my idiosyncrasies are autism related.  i relate to the world as a part of the whole.  less ego.  the masses relate to strong egos.  Hitler and trump.  the pack leader mentality.  that's why a beaten Germany followed Hitler.  weak fear based egos looking for reassuring strength.  Adolph made them feel safe by telling them what they wanted to hear.  same as Donald.  it has nothing to do with the message.  it's the delivery.  Jim Jones town massacre.  Waco, Texas.  over and over.

our brain connections develop in a different time schedule.  i think that's why left to our own devices with minimum interference coercion we eventually sync up with civilization.  at least that's what i've noticed studying different cases and reading autobiographies.  Asperger's autism is evolutionary mutation searching for the next form of human kind.  being able to freshly see without prejudice.  

we're energy sensitive.  prey animals have heightened receptors or get eaten.  we survive by trying to stay invisible.  probably why human prey have poor social skills and personal hygiene issues to avoid contact with predators.  to discourage interacting.  to appear less attractive.  to fade into the woodwork.  i think most homeless people and pioneers fit into the bill.  there used to be new worlds, places to go to carve out a niche for misfits.  the innovators, explorers.

that explains the space race.  i couldn't understand spending billions not on hunger, disease, suffering.  seemed misplaced.  that fear of killing the earth and having no where to go.  and the majority are intent on destroying the planet.  at least 60%.

homeless encampments are other thinking people.  'the nomad life.  i no mad at you.  you no mad at me.'  swami beyond ananda.  they're not into acquiring and owning.  they know life is temporary.  they know the planet is on loan.  the american indians know the earth belongs to the children and adults are stewards.  

autisitic

i sometimes wonder what it's like to be common.  that passes pretty quickly.  most people claim to be happy.  i don't understand why.  

i'm figuring it out-as

hearing is crucial as a prey animal also why my face is so ticklish and sensitive.  so autistic's hyper sensitive.  probably my sense of smell too.  and burning eyes.  

so some of my characteristics are normal for autism.  i'm feeling tired.  i soaked in hot tub, stretched, cooled down pool.  if i had access to daily hot cold my back would be better faster.  

watching celebrity wheel of fortune:  to the moon with reese witherspoon, ryan reynolds wrap.  i do love puzzles.  

happiness is letting go

the appearance has nothing to do with happiness.  happiness is a feeling.  a result or consciously generated.  i have a choice of how and what i feel.

that's what addiction is all about.  controlling feeling from an external source.  because it's external it doesn't work long term.  the body circumvents the false by adapting.

i'm finding it harder to participate

i care less about doing.  i'm enjoying just being.  i'm tired of conforming to 'normal' not nice behavior.  i was constantly punished for being christian by my family.  they treated me like a slave.  mom said it was to toughen me up but i'm tough enough.  i survived the wolf pack.  i just couldn't believe what she didn't believe.  i could see in her eyes.  when people lie it's self damage.  they manufacture chemicals that generate disease.  high blood pressure, diabetes, heart dis-ease.  the same thing.

my pre diabetes trying to resolve the lies i try so hard to believe.  maybe accept better word.

dreamed of my sisters as dogs.

one a calm german shepherd one a rabid mongrel.  they take turns.  i think the family tradition of alcohol and suicide come from the grandparents poverty as immigrants imported to work the sugar cane and pineapple fields 1900's.  mom and dad went through a lot.  third generation too.  

being out of body is tough

all those years numbed by abuse everything hurts now.  i'm not clumsy, i'm out of balance.  that's the pain too.  mom called me stupid, dumbo.  i had big ears and the memory of an elephant.  i think it's aspergers.  i remember in blocks like a picture book but then sometimes i get 'messages' that seem to have no connection until reality catches up.  like the things i save that fit perfectly into my life years after i save them.  usually 10 years.  the little crystal lotus fits perfectly into the larger crystal votive holder.  and last night i realized my  pink marble dream house is a bagua.