my autistic self

i've been through a lot.  i finally got confirmation for my shattered back through dr massih x rays.  i'm still processing.  

lots of changes.  covid vaccines soon.  internet went down.  i quickly for me recovered settings.  found out s v p down unsafe and c s c coverage expanded to seniors. 

neck and back stretch helping circulation in eyes, head, neck.  i'm using the subliminal to alter my chemicals.   

i got card re costco membership renewal i called this am.  i still need to call rehab, mri, taxes, prop taxes.  i'm doing life at my pace.

i have to embrace the dark parts of myself to be fully human.  autism is simply a different development schedule.  all the parts are there but like unused muscles.  development is based on survival needs.  chemicals are the basis for all life, the quantity and quality.

i'm sitting listening to kelly howell

bless covid.  because my computer time is limited (no reception at home) i'm forced to find hot spots.  i started with the secret on you tube that segued into attracting prosperity and now sound healing.  i drive to pick up senior lunch, park around corner and compute as long as i can.

i'm finally releasing my SELF.  my autism was tortured into submission.  before mom died and i wrecked my back i used to sleep 8 hours immobile.  i never needed an alarm.  i had one.  average people do.  i woke before it sounded.  i couldn't tolerate the scary noise.  

now i'm a normal aspie sleeping like a baby waking every 2 hours.  i had to learn to camouflage my tendencies to survive my family who probably had aspie traits too.  they projected their self hatred onto me until it killed them with diabetes, high blood pressure etc.  i was afraid they'd kill me.  mom threatened enough.  watching her beating alien, burning me forced me to adjust and adapt.  my family not enlightened at all.

my underlying quest for knowledge is satisfied.  i finally looked in county library found a plethora of books and movies.  

program auto updates until i publish.  then manual.

i'm growing into my brain

we have the same brain potential specializing at different rates.  the ability to hyper focus allows us to learn in depth.  our obsessive capacity is limitless.  we are destined to be experts at whatever our obsessions are.  

different brain development

traditional development is shuffled around.   aspergers feel the same but expressing and assimilating is on a different timeline from common people.  the conscious connection is lagging behind.  babies get frustrated when they know what they want and haven't the vocabulary to express the desire.  children and adults too but more quietly and sometimes hiding the desire.   

aspergers being literal can't lie.  are physically incapable.  when i was 8 i tried to lie and my stomach got upset.  the discomfort wasn't worth it.  my sisters lied all the time.  probably the biggest difference between aspies and common.  lies change physiology chemically.  lies are an insult to the body.

the ultimate lie detector.  my family of liars threatened my very existence.  my physical well being was constantly being compromised.  covid isolation has allowed me to thrive.  there are very few truth tellers.

alcoholics = vampires and werewolves

watching 1944 'return of the vampire' it occurs to me the compulsive destructive behaviors are the same.  there was no psychology to explain the shift between sober and drunken behaviors.  people called vampires and werewolves monsters because members of their own families, rich powerful people couldn't be openly confronted without risking destruction.  

real life 'vampires' kill the dreams and hearts.  they drain energy from people like life's blood.  they bore, dominate and bully.  social convention is their weapon.  being polite is their shield. 

another quirk

being clumsy.  my circuits are set up differently.  and compulsive about getting what i want.  those bras from big lots.  the same size style number doesn't fit.  the fabric stretches differently.  i went this morning i returned and wanted to buy more.  i bought sage and rose gaiters.  keep my neck warm and pull over face like mask.

i love the quiet.

i got bill from medicare and i'm upset.  soc sec starts january.  should i pay it or will it be double payment.  i don't know.  i tried calling but already closed.  tomorrow's another day.  i need life to be simpler easier.

miracle run

 just watched it for first time.  2005 film.  then i thought to check libraries.  a lot on autism aspergers.

never occurred to me before.