Holy holy. Tried to find my blogs and I was redirected to etherworld and the message my title was available so I created another hersusanstory and I now have two of the same title.
Whew!! Ar told me I've been sending her emails and I haven't so I guess someone has my meager 26 email addresses and is harassing folks via my list. I know nothing.
OK I renamed the second susan blog two(II) and googled it and was directed to aspergersnextgeneration for the first time. I still don't know what I'm doing and the internet is wonderfully forgiving and gentle in its lessons and corrections.
Got kicked off the comptr and got anothr one. Riting shorthand is fun. Only hope I can remember my conjunctions.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Reprogamming feels scary
Life really is getting better. Saw a Pacific Autism van yesterday and I'm feeling a little freaked out. All my hopes are coming true.
OK deep breathing. Creating new pathways in the brain feels scary simply because it's new. The chemicals are tied to fear because SO MUCH OF LIFE'S NEW THINGS HAVE A SCARY POTENTIAL.
We're hardwired to recognize NEW with concern. Let's face history. So many new things, experiences ended in death. So of course our bodies in trying to do the best for us signal danger!!! Even when there is no threat. The newness is the threat.
Deep breathing to the point of hyperventilating will change the chemistry from fear to dizzy. I can consciously change my chemistry intentionally without drugs or outside chemicals. I can create the chemicals from within. Which is what visualization and meditation do for sick people.
Do people get sick from ignoring the chemical warnings? I believe they do.
OK deep breathing. Creating new pathways in the brain feels scary simply because it's new. The chemicals are tied to fear because SO MUCH OF LIFE'S NEW THINGS HAVE A SCARY POTENTIAL.
We're hardwired to recognize NEW with concern. Let's face history. So many new things, experiences ended in death. So of course our bodies in trying to do the best for us signal danger!!! Even when there is no threat. The newness is the threat.
Deep breathing to the point of hyperventilating will change the chemistry from fear to dizzy. I can consciously change my chemistry intentionally without drugs or outside chemicals. I can create the chemicals from within. Which is what visualization and meditation do for sick people.
Do people get sick from ignoring the chemical warnings? I believe they do.
Friday, January 20, 2012
And More Is Being Revealed-Another piece of the Puzzle
Found Kids in the Syndrome Mix of ADHD, LD, ... by Martin L. Kutscher MD claiming to be the only book needed. Ha Ha. Some good info tho'.
*Oppositional Defiant Disorder-gets charge from giving hard time.
*Conduct Disorder-cruelty to people and animals. Law breaking, no remorse.
*Antisocial Personality Disorder-generally leads to arrest.
*Central Auditory Processing Disorders-unintentional miscommunications.
So some people are conscious of the differences between psychos and aspergers. I can understand now why people are so afraid of different behaviors.
It's weird but I think Aspies must have a screening process that warns them. An early detection system in place. Or maybe because coming from a family of psychos I can see them coming.
Having a wonderful time. Wish everyone was here. Maybe they are and I don't realize it .
*Oppositional Defiant Disorder-gets charge from giving hard time.
*Conduct Disorder-cruelty to people and animals. Law breaking, no remorse.
*Antisocial Personality Disorder-generally leads to arrest.
*Central Auditory Processing Disorders-unintentional miscommunications.
So some people are conscious of the differences between psychos and aspergers. I can understand now why people are so afraid of different behaviors.
It's weird but I think Aspies must have a screening process that warns them. An early detection system in place. Or maybe because coming from a family of psychos I can see them coming.
Having a wonderful time. Wish everyone was here. Maybe they are and I don't realize it .
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Getting ready for a new world-a new me
On checking my emails I got many b-day wishes. So nice of them to take the time. Calmest most peace filled b-day ever. And of these I want more. As many as possible. Feels so weird not to feel pressured to give and do for my family. They always pressured me to feel guilty. That energy is so toxic. I can NOW release all toxins in my life.
I've been wearing my back brace everyday and it makes a vast difference in my feeling good. Looks terrible under my clothes but it doesn't wrinkle and snag things. I don't feel nauseated and limp or listless. I actually feel good sometimes. I have more energy to enjoy living. Having no energy is the pits. No quality of life.
I've never in my life been this free. Makes me woozy. I have dvds overdue and due today. Hurray!! Still feeling good. SClara no longer has telephone service so I didn't know. Thank goodness I checked all of them. SV is due today too. I can do that tonite. County can wait. Printed out list at sr.s.
Been watching dvds I want and not watching is a luxury. I've always been so manic about making everything A JOB to avoid feeling FAMILY guilt.
That's a huge hit. Right on, Right on. I can release that learned behavior to return to the family. I reject that enslaving limit. Return to sender. Address unknown.
Tomas' called ystday about lunch/brunch w/curtis. He called this am to say not this week. Which is better for me. I signed up for lunch and I want to eat with company. It feels just right to visit with strangers and have a light meal. I love it for now. Who knows later?? TM wanted me to ditch sr lunch. Old Susan would have busted my buns to do what everyone else wanted. Busted my buns. That's exactly what happened 1972. And I wasn't aware. And in 2001. I ripped up all the scar tissue in my body to remodel my musculature. Kaiser told me I was depressed from menopause and mom's death. They were so wrong. I am addressing the real issues. Awesome.
New behaviors for a new life.
Woohoo!! I'm at the library and I returned the dvds and paid online and am feeling fairly successful. Only fairly cause I know where the rings are going. In the trash when I wash and dry my hands the towel spirits them away. And I'm okay with it. At least now I know.
I still have to go to SV to return (no renewals) and I have all the time in the world 'til 8pm. Big Bang Theory new episode tonite.
This sense of excitement is so new and strange. I'll have to adjust and adapt to functioning in this state.
I've been wearing my back brace everyday and it makes a vast difference in my feeling good. Looks terrible under my clothes but it doesn't wrinkle and snag things. I don't feel nauseated and limp or listless. I actually feel good sometimes. I have more energy to enjoy living. Having no energy is the pits. No quality of life.
I've never in my life been this free. Makes me woozy. I have dvds overdue and due today. Hurray!! Still feeling good. SClara no longer has telephone service so I didn't know. Thank goodness I checked all of them. SV is due today too. I can do that tonite. County can wait. Printed out list at sr.s.
Been watching dvds I want and not watching is a luxury. I've always been so manic about making everything A JOB to avoid feeling FAMILY guilt.
That's a huge hit. Right on, Right on. I can release that learned behavior to return to the family. I reject that enslaving limit. Return to sender. Address unknown.
Tomas' called ystday about lunch/brunch w/curtis. He called this am to say not this week. Which is better for me. I signed up for lunch and I want to eat with company. It feels just right to visit with strangers and have a light meal. I love it for now. Who knows later?? TM wanted me to ditch sr lunch. Old Susan would have busted my buns to do what everyone else wanted. Busted my buns. That's exactly what happened 1972. And I wasn't aware. And in 2001. I ripped up all the scar tissue in my body to remodel my musculature. Kaiser told me I was depressed from menopause and mom's death. They were so wrong. I am addressing the real issues. Awesome.
New behaviors for a new life.
Woohoo!! I'm at the library and I returned the dvds and paid online and am feeling fairly successful. Only fairly cause I know where the rings are going. In the trash when I wash and dry my hands the towel spirits them away. And I'm okay with it. At least now I know.
I still have to go to SV to return (no renewals) and I have all the time in the world 'til 8pm. Big Bang Theory new episode tonite.
This sense of excitement is so new and strange. I'll have to adjust and adapt to functioning in this state.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Best Thnxgvng Ever-11*24*11*MIRACLE
I'm amazed... I'm sitting in the Cupertino library 'cause the SrCtr and Santa Clara lib. are closed. Prop J strikes again. Two days b4 Toma's called asking if I wanted to go to Jamie and Tom's. It was perfect. He wanted to go afternoon, 2:30. For once in my life I had a leisurely time getting ready.
I used to stress about not enough time to get something to take, what to wear, etc. So conditioned to just stressing out. Family tradition. Get there at 8 to help cook. Watch my sisters stroll in whenever. Feeling pressured is now a totally internal dialogue. Hearing the committee in my head, all the criticism I grew up with backed up by intermittent abuse. I think intermittent abuse is the most effective. The not knowing when hell was about to break loose caused a constant state of anxiety. (Wow!! Didn't know that's where the free floating anxiety comes from.) Couldn't show it because that would open the floodgates. So I learned to mask my internal life. Secret Agent. Secret Asian.
Nobody knows what's going on in me because I don't know. My scariest adventure is looking within. I've come to realize and accept (painfully) that my parents singled me out as the slave-scapegoat. That's why dad wouldn't let me be adopted by rich people. 1) I couldn't be allowed to live a better life than theirs. 2) I was the servant-family dog. Beat the dog so you don't punch the boss. I got scraps my entire life. We moved to California to reduce the interference from the relatives. So I lost all the people who loved me and treated me nicely.
My friends, the ones I still talk to, treat me well and with respect. People I thought of as friends, when I considered their treatment of me, I had to accept I was just an unpaid servant. Just like my family. For the last ten years I've foolishly waited for them to wake up and realize how wonderful I am. Just another bad habit I can break.
I've yet to have a loving relationship. I guess it starts with me.
Who do I want in my life? I must stay present.
I used to stress about not enough time to get something to take, what to wear, etc. So conditioned to just stressing out. Family tradition. Get there at 8 to help cook. Watch my sisters stroll in whenever. Feeling pressured is now a totally internal dialogue. Hearing the committee in my head, all the criticism I grew up with backed up by intermittent abuse. I think intermittent abuse is the most effective. The not knowing when hell was about to break loose caused a constant state of anxiety. (Wow!! Didn't know that's where the free floating anxiety comes from.) Couldn't show it because that would open the floodgates. So I learned to mask my internal life. Secret Agent. Secret Asian.
Nobody knows what's going on in me because I don't know. My scariest adventure is looking within. I've come to realize and accept (painfully) that my parents singled me out as the slave-scapegoat. That's why dad wouldn't let me be adopted by rich people. 1) I couldn't be allowed to live a better life than theirs. 2) I was the servant-family dog. Beat the dog so you don't punch the boss. I got scraps my entire life. We moved to California to reduce the interference from the relatives. So I lost all the people who loved me and treated me nicely.
My friends, the ones I still talk to, treat me well and with respect. People I thought of as friends, when I considered their treatment of me, I had to accept I was just an unpaid servant. Just like my family. For the last ten years I've foolishly waited for them to wake up and realize how wonderful I am. Just another bad habit I can break.
I've yet to have a loving relationship. I guess it starts with me.
Who do I want in my life? I must stay present.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
insanity tautologies
All dictators are insane. Not one has been able to attain immortality by killing others and yet they are compelled, obsessed with destroying others. The more they kill and destroy the greater their chance of being deposed and destroyed. Therefore they must be insane.
All those who allow and/or follow a dictator are insane. No dictator has ever succeeded in creating heaven as promised, only a slow and prolonged hell that may feel like forever.
Making myself sick will not heal a single person. It may prolong their life temporarily but it cannot heal them. Sacrificing my health is unhealthy.
Making myself poor will not make anyone richer. Wealth is within. The richest man is he who has the fewest needs.
There is a ceiling on how much satisfaction can be gained by having money. Earning money can become an accomplishment addiction. All the money in the world cannot buy immortality. It demonstrates the law of diminishing returns.
Things will always remain the same. If this were true we'd still be living in actual caves. Some people live in virtual caves in their heads.
All those who allow and/or follow a dictator are insane. No dictator has ever succeeded in creating heaven as promised, only a slow and prolonged hell that may feel like forever.
Making myself sick will not heal a single person. It may prolong their life temporarily but it cannot heal them. Sacrificing my health is unhealthy.
Making myself poor will not make anyone richer. Wealth is within. The richest man is he who has the fewest needs.
There is a ceiling on how much satisfaction can be gained by having money. Earning money can become an accomplishment addiction. All the money in the world cannot buy immortality. It demonstrates the law of diminishing returns.
Things will always remain the same. If this were true we'd still be living in actual caves. Some people live in virtual caves in their heads.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving/Anniversary-11/22-24
Next week marks my one year anniversary.
I'm physically and emotionally better this year. Well, they're one and the same aren't they. And I am immensely grateful. I think gratitude is one of my skills. I'm always very touched by kindness. And strangers are always kind. It's family I have problems with.
Reading Psych Today, Asperger's Diary I found when googling my account, I realized my lack of interest and my sensitivity to teasing is aspy related. (I was always told I was weird and stupid. No common sense. And I learned to take it as a compliment when I thought about common sense. I never told them though. I'd have been punished.) I consider teasing the lowest form of what passes for humor in most people. Nothing clever or funny about it that I can see. And aspies just see things from a different angle. We require intelligence to survive in the mob. We learn to moderate our behaviors to fit in. I don't want to fit in. Most people below the surface are mean lizard brains fighting for survival way beyond the satisfying of their basic needs. The keeping up and surpassing the Jones' is dictated by the lizard brains. The need to acquire based on the fear of lack. The only thing mankind doesn't lack is fear. We have an universe of fear and can fabricate fear on demand. Our survival and success requires a shift from fear to compassion. Feeling with as in the bible. Brother's keeper. Judge not. If mankind cannot expand his mind and heart to demand equality and fairness for all, man is doomed to a cycle of invention and destruction. Honor thy mother and father doesn't say love them. Can you find something to respect in them? Remember, you share DNA.
Fear is used to market products. Forces us to watch programs that feed us more fear. Herbert's Dune "Fear is the mindkiller." Babies come into the world with two fears: Loud noises and falling. Parents instill (install) survival fears.
I'm ready to move beyond just surviving.
I'm physically and emotionally better this year. Well, they're one and the same aren't they. And I am immensely grateful. I think gratitude is one of my skills. I'm always very touched by kindness. And strangers are always kind. It's family I have problems with.
Reading Psych Today, Asperger's Diary I found when googling my account, I realized my lack of interest and my sensitivity to teasing is aspy related. (I was always told I was weird and stupid. No common sense. And I learned to take it as a compliment when I thought about common sense. I never told them though. I'd have been punished.) I consider teasing the lowest form of what passes for humor in most people. Nothing clever or funny about it that I can see. And aspies just see things from a different angle. We require intelligence to survive in the mob. We learn to moderate our behaviors to fit in. I don't want to fit in. Most people below the surface are mean lizard brains fighting for survival way beyond the satisfying of their basic needs. The keeping up and surpassing the Jones' is dictated by the lizard brains. The need to acquire based on the fear of lack. The only thing mankind doesn't lack is fear. We have an universe of fear and can fabricate fear on demand. Our survival and success requires a shift from fear to compassion. Feeling with as in the bible. Brother's keeper. Judge not. If mankind cannot expand his mind and heart to demand equality and fairness for all, man is doomed to a cycle of invention and destruction. Honor thy mother and father doesn't say love them. Can you find something to respect in them? Remember, you share DNA.
Fear is used to market products. Forces us to watch programs that feed us more fear. Herbert's Dune "Fear is the mindkiller." Babies come into the world with two fears: Loud noises and falling. Parents instill (install) survival fears.
I'm ready to move beyond just surviving.
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