Next week marks my one year anniversary.
I'm physically and emotionally better this year. Well, they're one and the same aren't they. And I am immensely grateful. I think gratitude is one of my skills. I'm always very touched by kindness. And strangers are always kind. It's family I have problems with.
Reading Psych Today, Asperger's Diary I found when googling my account, I realized my lack of interest and my sensitivity to teasing is aspy related. (I was always told I was weird and stupid. No common sense. And I learned to take it as a compliment when I thought about common sense. I never told them though. I'd have been punished.) I consider teasing the lowest form of what passes for humor in most people. Nothing clever or funny about it that I can see. And aspies just see things from a different angle. We require intelligence to survive in the mob. We learn to moderate our behaviors to fit in. I don't want to fit in. Most people below the surface are mean lizard brains fighting for survival way beyond the satisfying of their basic needs. The keeping up and surpassing the Jones' is dictated by the lizard brains. The need to acquire based on the fear of lack. The only thing mankind doesn't lack is fear. We have an universe of fear and can fabricate fear on demand. Our survival and success requires a shift from fear to compassion. Feeling with as in the bible. Brother's keeper. Judge not. If mankind cannot expand his mind and heart to demand equality and fairness for all, man is doomed to a cycle of invention and destruction. Honor thy mother and father doesn't say love them. Can you find something to respect in them? Remember, you share DNA.
Fear is used to market products. Forces us to watch programs that feed us more fear. Herbert's Dune "Fear is the mindkiller." Babies come into the world with two fears: Loud noises and falling. Parents instill (install) survival fears.
I'm ready to move beyond just surviving.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
OUCH!!!!!!!-7
Last week while bicycling at Senior Center the TV was running a cable funniest video program. I happened to glance up from my book on the stationary bike and they recorded on a mobile phone an elderly man falling on the up escalator and like a turtle on his back he was stuck. Just like what happened to dad in reno 1998. The caption read "Old people can sleep anywhere". Considering that dad's fractured spine lead to his death a year later I couldn't find it in the least funny. (It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it and I cry to release the pain and anguish.)
I avoided thinking about it and have yet to talk to anyone about it. I had lunch w/Tomas' last Fri. and cried all morning long but I couldn't talk. I've done my best to forget it but my body keeps me honest. I realized and accepted that the only reason (MY RAISON DE'ETRE) I wasn't allowed to be adopted was to be the servant. Indeed, I've been conditioned to serve and suffer. Suffering has been my only friend. Smoking made the suffering tolerable. I can now be an ex-smoker because I don't have to suffer any more. As much pain as I feel now is still less than what it was during the experience. I've been waking to memories of past abuse. The lack of my memories was a protection. A firewall keeping the essence of Susan pure.
It's 57* and I'm sweating. My back has been so unstable. I've been crying at least once a day since last Friday. I have an appointment at Kaiser today at 2. That's new. Asking for help.
I joined a group at Seniors. First section was on transitions, this 10 sessions relates to depression and stress of the holidays. I was 10 minutes late monday. Hooray for ME!!! I didn't even know: I was relaxed. New behaviors for a new, better, happier life.
I avoided thinking about it and have yet to talk to anyone about it. I had lunch w/Tomas' last Fri. and cried all morning long but I couldn't talk. I've done my best to forget it but my body keeps me honest. I realized and accepted that the only reason (MY RAISON DE'ETRE) I wasn't allowed to be adopted was to be the servant. Indeed, I've been conditioned to serve and suffer. Suffering has been my only friend. Smoking made the suffering tolerable. I can now be an ex-smoker because I don't have to suffer any more. As much pain as I feel now is still less than what it was during the experience. I've been waking to memories of past abuse. The lack of my memories was a protection. A firewall keeping the essence of Susan pure.
It's 57* and I'm sweating. My back has been so unstable. I've been crying at least once a day since last Friday. I have an appointment at Kaiser today at 2. That's new. Asking for help.
I joined a group at Seniors. First section was on transitions, this 10 sessions relates to depression and stress of the holidays. I was 10 minutes late monday. Hooray for ME!!! I didn't even know: I was relaxed. New behaviors for a new, better, happier life.
Monday, September 26, 2011
WHEW!!!
My stomach and back are reacting to venting my anger at the ridicule and humiliation suffered pretty much all my life from my "family." The past is finally done. I'm purging all the chemical memories from my body.
As the nicotine leaves my body I'm healthier physically, emotionally, and therefore mentally. I just spent a very uncomfortable weekend. I couldn't imagine what I'd done to trigger the pain. I feel I've been kicked and beaten in my stomach and lower back and hips. Louise Hay-lack of family support.
I took a Nabumentone 500mg last nite to be able to sleep. So today I was so tired. I chose to go to my Transitions mtg. I gathered the avocados from the yard and took two buckets-3 days worth. This year the tree is producing a bucket a day. Half in the am, half in the pm.
I'm becoming the ME I want to be.
As the nicotine leaves my body I'm healthier physically, emotionally, and therefore mentally. I just spent a very uncomfortable weekend. I couldn't imagine what I'd done to trigger the pain. I feel I've been kicked and beaten in my stomach and lower back and hips. Louise Hay-lack of family support.
I took a Nabumentone 500mg last nite to be able to sleep. So today I was so tired. I chose to go to my Transitions mtg. I gathered the avocados from the yard and took two buckets-3 days worth. This year the tree is producing a bucket a day. Half in the am, half in the pm.
I'm becoming the ME I want to be.
Friday, August 19, 2011
UPDATE 8*19*11-Life is in the details.
I just realized update is like stardate*** being a huge sci-fi-fan. So... Nice to know I can access this blog via Google. Reassuring. My ankles are swollen like little trees. Due to the constricted circulation in my waist and lower back. Funny how my body parts take turns hurting and healing. That's what the pain is all about. Drawing attention to the area like dominoes in series. The muscles can only be unlocked in series which makes sense. No point in having them come unglued like a rag doll.
I'm probably healthier tissue wise than I've ever been in my life before. For the first time I don't have nicotine in my system. (And I totally distracted myself just now...learned if you depress ctrl and hit i everything is italicized. Hit ctrl and b and everything is bold. Why we need that I don't know.) And I have complete control over my diet for the first time in my life. I can have anything and everything I Want. For the first time in my LIFE. So life is good and getting better.
Been working out in the yard. The letter from the city 7/14/11 was a scary motivator. So I go out either early in the am or late in the pm when it's cool enough for me. 6am on a hot day, 7 maybe on an overcast day. Weather this year has been grreat! Cooler than usual. I actually like yardwork.
Been finding bargains at the $tores and grocerie$. Thank you God. Broke my medium square corning lid and found one at $aver$. I have so many trivial good ideas to improve life. And life is in the details.
I'm probably healthier tissue wise than I've ever been in my life before. For the first time I don't have nicotine in my system. (And I totally distracted myself just now...learned if you depress ctrl and hit i everything is italicized. Hit ctrl and b and everything is bold. Why we need that I don't know.) And I have complete control over my diet for the first time in my life. I can have anything and everything I Want. For the first time in my LIFE. So life is good and getting better.
Been working out in the yard. The letter from the city 7/14/11 was a scary motivator. So I go out either early in the am or late in the pm when it's cool enough for me. 6am on a hot day, 7 maybe on an overcast day. Weather this year has been grreat! Cooler than usual. I actually like yardwork.
Been finding bargains at the $tores and grocerie$. Thank you God. Broke my medium square corning lid and found one at $aver$. I have so many trivial good ideas to improve life. And life is in the details.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
isolation and introspection
Working out in the yard this morning I realized I am delusional in thinking I can take care of everything myself. I can't. It's like Footprints. I've always been supported by spirit. My delusion is in thinking that support is gone. My delusion is believing I can isolate myself from spirit. Spirit will supply whatever I desire. I need to be more careful in my desires.
Only by closing out the world can I determine what and who I am not as a reflection or adjunct of someone else- My core beliefs and feelings uninfluenced by any outside energy.
All I know today is I made my lunch (taking care of me), it was imperative I blog today. I actually thought today was Sunday. I was excited to feel well after yardwork/hardwork.
Then the panic of my check engine light. I've never had one before. Instead of feeling relief for the warning I felt fear. The old Me would have noticed, made plans.
No wonder my parents hated and mistrusted me. I never used to experience that panic. Only living with them, giving them my energy to keep them alive until I almost died, allowed me to experience what they chose to live with everyday. And it is learned behavior. It can be unlearned. Fear and panic are only beneficial in learning situations. If there is no benefit the feelings are useless.
The shared experience and cameraderie of feelings bond people together. Emotions (energy in motion) are superglue. Social functions as events and processes seal humankind into a lump of energy. Strong emotions bond experiences and reactions together in an effort to protect us as a form of evolutionary survival skills. So shared experiences at festivals, sporting events, bars satisfy the need for belonging and feeling part of something bigger.
Only individuals breaking out of the morass can change the direction and intention of the creative energy. True creativity is lonely and isolated; the only conditions change can occur in are perceived as negative. And it's only perception. How sad and painful is it really? Only as sad and painful as the energy invested in the perception. Truly, in Buddhism the pain comes from fighting the reality and holding on to the illusion. The pain is very real to call our attention to what needs changing.
When one is in love everything good is better and everything bad is more tolerable. Why? Because emotional energy is stronger than drugs, torture, you name it. Love is the feeling of connectedness lacking in the everyday world. Hitler, Jim Jones used that feeling of belonging, longing to be a part of something bigger. We already are that in God.
Only by closing out the world can I determine what and who I am not as a reflection or adjunct of someone else- My core beliefs and feelings uninfluenced by any outside energy.
All I know today is I made my lunch (taking care of me), it was imperative I blog today. I actually thought today was Sunday. I was excited to feel well after yardwork/hardwork.
Then the panic of my check engine light. I've never had one before. Instead of feeling relief for the warning I felt fear. The old Me would have noticed, made plans.
No wonder my parents hated and mistrusted me. I never used to experience that panic. Only living with them, giving them my energy to keep them alive until I almost died, allowed me to experience what they chose to live with everyday. And it is learned behavior. It can be unlearned. Fear and panic are only beneficial in learning situations. If there is no benefit the feelings are useless.
The shared experience and cameraderie of feelings bond people together. Emotions (energy in motion) are superglue. Social functions as events and processes seal humankind into a lump of energy. Strong emotions bond experiences and reactions together in an effort to protect us as a form of evolutionary survival skills. So shared experiences at festivals, sporting events, bars satisfy the need for belonging and feeling part of something bigger.
Only individuals breaking out of the morass can change the direction and intention of the creative energy. True creativity is lonely and isolated; the only conditions change can occur in are perceived as negative. And it's only perception. How sad and painful is it really? Only as sad and painful as the energy invested in the perception. Truly, in Buddhism the pain comes from fighting the reality and holding on to the illusion. The pain is very real to call our attention to what needs changing.
When one is in love everything good is better and everything bad is more tolerable. Why? Because emotional energy is stronger than drugs, torture, you name it. Love is the feeling of connectedness lacking in the everyday world. Hitler, Jim Jones used that feeling of belonging, longing to be a part of something bigger. We already are that in God.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Wake up Little Susie
I've wondered how men become dogs. They are raised by bitches. Sounds cold but it's true. The world will become a better place when children are raised as human beings. Parents are ill equipped and ignorant. For the first time in history the ability to raise conscious, caring, stable, capable humans is possible.
How do we get there from here? According to Dr Phil; acknowledge where we're starting from, map out the route and go. I've worked very diligently and consistently on myself and for others. Whenever a new experience comes up I've learned to think and act responsibly. Case in point, being yelled at by Josie and realizing and admitting she's puposefully tried to humiliate me. Yelling is a manipulative tool. My trained response has been to blame myself for not seeing it coming. Not being prepared for life. What my mom punished me for to "toughen me up". Bunch of bulls**t. So she added insult and injury to injury. Conditioned me to roll-over and play dead. I'm supposed to cower, apologize and do and be whatever they want.
I have to remember that if it isn't within me, it's hard to recognize in others. I keep getting fooled. I will write it a hundred or a thousand times to remember. That's what it takes to reprogram. When confused by other people's behavior it's appropriate and necessary to consider their actions and hold them responsible. The only way my life will improve is for me to improve myself.
I believe the only way children can be raised is by a village. The checks and balances of a multitude of people raising children in concert. So, we need human rights guidelines on raising caring, stable, responsible people. A foster system that fosters successful human beings.
How do we get there from here? According to Dr Phil; acknowledge where we're starting from, map out the route and go. I've worked very diligently and consistently on myself and for others. Whenever a new experience comes up I've learned to think and act responsibly. Case in point, being yelled at by Josie and realizing and admitting she's puposefully tried to humiliate me. Yelling is a manipulative tool. My trained response has been to blame myself for not seeing it coming. Not being prepared for life. What my mom punished me for to "toughen me up". Bunch of bulls**t. So she added insult and injury to injury. Conditioned me to roll-over and play dead. I'm supposed to cower, apologize and do and be whatever they want.
I have to remember that if it isn't within me, it's hard to recognize in others. I keep getting fooled. I will write it a hundred or a thousand times to remember. That's what it takes to reprogram. When confused by other people's behavior it's appropriate and necessary to consider their actions and hold them responsible. The only way my life will improve is for me to improve myself.
I believe the only way children can be raised is by a village. The checks and balances of a multitude of people raising children in concert. So, we need human rights guidelines on raising caring, stable, responsible people. A foster system that fosters successful human beings.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
BEST 4TH EVER!!
My ability has been hampered by lack of st(ability). The peace, calm and continuity so important to the healthy development of all living things was lacking in my life. I'm creating that now. I mixed up some chili, had dessert, cooked some potatoes. Said goodbye to Josie. She's said and done weird things before and I've overlooked them. For $40 and criticizing her perfect Sam she became vitriolic and unstable.
She has My frosted mirror in the family room, My clock radio in the kitchen and she accused me of screaming at her in public and embarrassing her on purpose. She wanted to go to the $tore San Carlos and I'd already been twice that week. When she broke my car door handle getting out I was seriously concerned she wouldn't be able to exit the car. She insisted she wasn't fooling around and did nothing to the handle. That comment came at me out of the blue. Then she denied it was broken and insisted she had nothing to do with it, it must have been broken before. She kept insisting while trying to open the door. I went around and opened it from the outside. She said if it was her fault to drive to a garage to fix it. (Saturday at 6pm driving aimlessly looking for an open repair shop is one of my definitions of hell.) I told her I'd have to take it the following week. I mentioned how ironic that she broke the handle when Sam did the same thing to my previous car. (I used to drive him around to Momma's and Rick's.) Frankly, I thought it was remarkable a self-proclaimed 83yr old weakling had the strength to rip out the handle. She aimlessly wandered the $tore until I was exhausted. She said to tell her how much it cost.
So after I got it fixed the following week I did just that and she went ballistic. She drew back and said haughtily "Well, I guess I owe you $40." I said no, I appreciated her offering when Sam had just laughed at me (truth) and it was only $40. She said I yelled at her in public over the ladder at Goodwill she snaked from me when I took it for pricing and she said she'd take it. That I didn't say anything immediately and brought it up later. I'd been in shock. She'd never treated me so disrespectfully before. We'd discussed it in her kitchen and I never yelled. And I humiliated her on purpose at the $tore because of the car door. She said Sam likes me and is always asking about me(yeah so he doesn't have to take her places) and I've never liked him. I told her I like him but I didn't want to encourage her after her saying he and I have so much in common. We don't. Reminds me of dad on vicodin. Wonder if she's been on medication? I know her new dentures have been bothering her. No more. Now I get Sam's disbelief in Josie having me as a friend. He knows they are not my friends. He knows she's a user like him. His teacher. Now I get his attitude towards women. It's Josie's attitude toward women. Sam's lottery prayer partner may have been his dad. I've wondered at the destruction. Accidents around Josie. My passenger lock works again. She misaligned the lock by jiggling the handle when I tried to unlock the door. She thought it was funny keeping me from unlocking it. I guess it was to punish me for not letting her in first. It's exactly how Sam broke the other car handle.
And I remembered times she'd talked to strangers in stores to embarrass me. When one time I set my wallet down to get something out of my purse and a stranger asked me if the wallet was mine, Josie said I'm always leaving my wallet different places. I thought it was merely weird at the time. But now it makes sense if she wanted to embarrass me.
So I spent the fourth watching feature films and doing what I want, when I want, how I want. Hung out at Vallco Mall in the cool when temperatures are 90-100. Walked back and forth. Ate food court. I have $ to spend for the first time in my life. That's another thing I noticed. How much gas I used waiting for her, taking her to her bank, her dentist. Trips to the $tore. She never offered gas money at $4/gal. She seemed to enjoy lagging behind and making me wait for her. No matter how slowly I went she went slower.
I watched fireworks sat-sun. Could have gone mon-tue. Decided to relax. Watched on tv Macy's Hudson river 6 barges 1/2 hr and pbs Capitol fourth.
The best ever.
She has My frosted mirror in the family room, My clock radio in the kitchen and she accused me of screaming at her in public and embarrassing her on purpose. She wanted to go to the $tore San Carlos and I'd already been twice that week. When she broke my car door handle getting out I was seriously concerned she wouldn't be able to exit the car. She insisted she wasn't fooling around and did nothing to the handle. That comment came at me out of the blue. Then she denied it was broken and insisted she had nothing to do with it, it must have been broken before. She kept insisting while trying to open the door. I went around and opened it from the outside. She said if it was her fault to drive to a garage to fix it. (Saturday at 6pm driving aimlessly looking for an open repair shop is one of my definitions of hell.) I told her I'd have to take it the following week. I mentioned how ironic that she broke the handle when Sam did the same thing to my previous car. (I used to drive him around to Momma's and Rick's.) Frankly, I thought it was remarkable a self-proclaimed 83yr old weakling had the strength to rip out the handle. She aimlessly wandered the $tore until I was exhausted. She said to tell her how much it cost.
So after I got it fixed the following week I did just that and she went ballistic. She drew back and said haughtily "Well, I guess I owe you $40." I said no, I appreciated her offering when Sam had just laughed at me (truth) and it was only $40. She said I yelled at her in public over the ladder at Goodwill she snaked from me when I took it for pricing and she said she'd take it. That I didn't say anything immediately and brought it up later. I'd been in shock. She'd never treated me so disrespectfully before. We'd discussed it in her kitchen and I never yelled. And I humiliated her on purpose at the $tore because of the car door. She said Sam likes me and is always asking about me(yeah so he doesn't have to take her places) and I've never liked him. I told her I like him but I didn't want to encourage her after her saying he and I have so much in common. We don't. Reminds me of dad on vicodin. Wonder if she's been on medication? I know her new dentures have been bothering her. No more. Now I get Sam's disbelief in Josie having me as a friend. He knows they are not my friends. He knows she's a user like him. His teacher. Now I get his attitude towards women. It's Josie's attitude toward women. Sam's lottery prayer partner may have been his dad. I've wondered at the destruction. Accidents around Josie. My passenger lock works again. She misaligned the lock by jiggling the handle when I tried to unlock the door. She thought it was funny keeping me from unlocking it. I guess it was to punish me for not letting her in first. It's exactly how Sam broke the other car handle.
And I remembered times she'd talked to strangers in stores to embarrass me. When one time I set my wallet down to get something out of my purse and a stranger asked me if the wallet was mine, Josie said I'm always leaving my wallet different places. I thought it was merely weird at the time. But now it makes sense if she wanted to embarrass me.
So I spent the fourth watching feature films and doing what I want, when I want, how I want. Hung out at Vallco Mall in the cool when temperatures are 90-100. Walked back and forth. Ate food court. I have $ to spend for the first time in my life. That's another thing I noticed. How much gas I used waiting for her, taking her to her bank, her dentist. Trips to the $tore. She never offered gas money at $4/gal. She seemed to enjoy lagging behind and making me wait for her. No matter how slowly I went she went slower.
I watched fireworks sat-sun. Could have gone mon-tue. Decided to relax. Watched on tv Macy's Hudson river 6 barges 1/2 hr and pbs Capitol fourth.
The best ever.
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